When I started this blog we’d already made the choice to go with a donor, had found our donor in fact and were waiting to cycle. We were at peace with our path. BUT getting to that point was not easy. I mean we didn’t just wake up and say lets do this. We didn’t just embrace donor egg. We didn’t just say hey, what a great idea. In fact it would be more accurate to say that I felt like saying f$%#! off to our doctor when he mentioned that I was a great candidate for this option after try number 3. My husband who loves tough odds said if we just persevere we’ll be fine. I was pretty sure too. After all I couldn’t be one of those people who’d have to resort to that now could I?! Besides I was just 37 had great responses, great fertilization results and we knew from our previous miscarriages that carrying a baby wasn’t the issue. Patience was what we needed. Patience we had.
But it kept not working.
After the 5th try our doctor mentioned it again. We said oh we’d like to keep trying. He said fine. This time I cried when I got off the phone with Doctor XY. I couldn’t be the one that had to go THAT route is basically what I thought. Again we reasoned it was a matter of perseverance that even with a less that 5% chance there was still a chance. And then the EPHIPHANY: I went to see my acupuncturist and he, looking like Buddha with soft lighting behind him, said it doesn’t matter how you have a child (natural, donor, adoption) the right soul will find you. And that gave me pause. It made (it makes) sense to me. For the first time I really thought, hmm…I could do that.
But we didn’t.
After the 6th try and another donor suggestion from doctor XY my husband and I had a long talk and I had a long (several day) cry. Our chances were less than 1% of conceiving with my eggs. We decided to go in and meet the head of the DE program who we naturally hated because we had not fully accepted needing to be there in the first place. We were still scheduled to try again with IVF/PGD, we just said to ourselves this is how we cover all our bases. This way we have a back up plan and we need to do this now because it can take 6mnths to a year to find a match.
Shortly after we sent in our application the fabulous nurse we’d worked with over the past year called and said she had the perfect donor for us. She said I just want you to know she’s here for you. She sent us her information (as much as we were allowed to see in an anonymous donor situation) and in fact, we liked what we saw. We actually never looked at anyone else. Maybe it’s strange but I’ve never had any doubts, and neither did my husband, that she was the right donor for us. I guess that is because at this point the idea of the soul and the letting go of the mini me had taken over and it did not seem so important that the details of the donor (length of fingers, size of eyes, type of hair, etc. things that had originally seemed of the utmost importance) mattered so much.
But we wanted to try again.
After the 7th try well…devastation. naturally. Again. This time we talked openly with our doc about a donor…he strongly urged us to do it while also supporting us if we wanted to try again with my eggs although he was clear that it would be random luck to get pregnant with my eggs. He also said that even the fertilized egg that past the PGD test might still not be ok because they can’t test for everything. In other words the odds were, given our past history, that there would be something wrong with it. We’d gone from a 20% chance of success when we started to actually not having a percentage chance at all. This was what got us. We’d gone beyond percentages. Well that and the opinion of two other doctors.
So then…
We started to feel lucky that we had another option for us to experience pregnancy/birth. And then I started this blog because I felt alone, and scared and I found all these other blogs and wonderful women and well that’s the short version of the beginning of our story.
Hopefully this post wasn’t too long.
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14 comments:
Now that it is back up (and not too long at all!) I want to comment again. Your journey sounds quite similar to ours. We started out with a 40% chance, I responded well, embryos got high ratings, but it kept not working. We were given a 10-15% chance after the 4th failure and advised not to waste the money. It was hard to accept and move on, but I have hope it will be worth it in the end.
Once again - thanks for sharing your story.
I want to thank you too for posting about the process you went through to get to the point of donor eggs. I'm still working my way through that process and it helps to hear other people's stories.
Dear Stacy, I really appreciate hearing (reading) your story, and I hope that it helps others feel not so alone. It is not a decision to which one comes lightly. I think this was a wonderful post. Thanks for this, and for your recent comments (which weren't jumbled at all) I knew exactly what you meant. They were words I needed to hear. Thank you.
I agree that it is a decision you make but it is not easy. Our RE mentioned DE at our first visit and I didn't even know why he said it and I thought we'll never have to do that. Well, it became very obvious after my lack of stimulation that it was our only option for a pregnancy. We went to it quickly because I didn't like the 1% odds we were given with my eggs. I just wanted to be pregnant and have a healthy baby as soon as possible. I still have moments when I feel sorry for myself but I never ever have regretted this decision. I know once I see the baby I will be thankful it is THIS one and not any other.
Sorry for the long comment. I guess I should write more about our DE story on my blog. I'm glad there are so many of you out there to share this unique experience with.
amen peep -- i too know, even now, know how thankful we are it is THIS little one and no other.
and thank you everyone for your support...originally i thought the post was too long and took it down, but kami convinced me otherwise.
really nice to read your thoughts.
Hi Stacy. I just found your blog and caught up on all your posts. I first wanted to say how nice it is to find more donor blogs and to thank you for your support on my blog. OH & most importantly, congrats on your pregnancy.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I relate to your journey as well. Getting to donor eggs is a difficult process and honestly having to give up on my own eggs was the hardest and most devastating. It was a huge grieving process and something I'm still healing from. Sometimes it seems so unfair and its not an easy decision but I agree receiving donor eggs is such a beautiful gift. Look forward to following your journey.
My favourite blogs are the DE ones!
I cannot imagine just how painful and difficult it must have been to travel the path of repeated failure and losses to DE.
Wishing you all the very best for your pregnancy,
xx
J
Hi Stacy... I found you through Kami's blog and I just wanted to say that the comment from your acupuncturist about it not mattering where the 'right soul', i.e., your child, comes from is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. People have said it to me before, but it never really sunk in before. So... thanks for writing that, and if you see your acu... tell him I said thanks too. Best wishes for continued smooth sailing, I can hardly believe what I am reading on your blog tonight and I will be back. Take care.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to say f$%#! off to your doctor when he brings up DE. I didn't, but apparently I was so dismissive of the possibility that the doctor never brought it up again. I really wish that he had, because I wasted so much time trying to throw away (with both hands!) the blessing that DE has been for us.
I'm glad you kept going until it felt right. And I'm glad you had another option, too.
Bea
I came via the creme. That was a moving story. It takes courage to realize that you have to move through your original plans to a new and better place. Congratulations on being pregnant. Thanks for posting this on the Creme list.
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