Thursday, August 30, 2007

Fear vs. Stomach

my stomach finally trumped my fear. i bought maternity clothes yesterday (just finishing up week 14). i hope this is not jinxing things but i've been walking around with my pants unbuttoned and long shirts for a while now. my mantra is "this time things are different" and then i take a few deep breaths when the anxiety creeps up.

next week we are going to talk to a family therapist with my parents regarding disclosure -- i'm looking forward to this and hopefully it will give us some broader understanding of ourselves and of this topic. i've also ordered a few books on DE and books for DE children based on a long bibliography from our IVF clinic..once i get them if any seem really good to me i'll post the titles.

what else...we started telling our friends our news...just the pregnancy part. most of them didn't even know about the IVF or our losses -- it was something we chose not to share. anyway, that has been interesting. i feel very hesitant, it's partly the fear and partly just, well it feels strange to have this type of good news and i'm not sure how to wear to speak.

many of my close friends are single women all of whom would like to have children and find a life partner so im very sensitive about how to tell them -- plus i've been on the receiving side of pregnancy news and felt a mixture of happiness and devastation (because of our fertility issues) so often and for so long that i just don't want our news to be the focus of most conversations.

it goes without saying that the already extended offer for a baby shower was kindly denied because well, frankly, i am too scared to celebrate until our baby is born. wow i can't believe i just wrote that...until our baby is great is that?!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

s/he looks just like you part two

a little more on disclosure.

Yes we want to tell our child everything…but does that mean we tell everyone everything?

I have to say that I feel funny not saying anything but the MR. doesn’t want to think about this right now. He wants us to just be happy things are working (knock on wood). I don’t think every stranger needs to know our story but I am feeling like some of our close friends, especially two who have had fertility issues of their own, are people it seems odd not to tell the real deal too. I worry that inadvertently we will become the poster couple for IVF…if you just stick to it eventually it will work. But that is not our case. I mean so far it has worked (currently finishing week 13) but with DE.

When I tried to bring up the subject recently to my husband he got very defensive and I shut down. I don’t like fighting. So I stopped pressing it, and decided to wait for another day. no im not dropping the issue. Last night we told two friends who have been through fertility issues our news and they were so happy for us…PGD worked they said, or something like that. GOD I felt like such a liar. This baby, our baby was conceived via DE. There is nothing wrong with this, why should we hide it? And yet, and yet…my husband is hesitant and my parents don’t think we should breathe a word.

I asked about disclosure before regarding telling a child, but what about friends? Or mere acquaintance? Do you draw a line? Do you tell everyone? I personally am for telling though as one wise person posted on this site..”you can’t untell” so I’m not in a rush at the moment but I don’t think it will sit well with me to forever say nothing to anyone.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

All’s clear

so lots of good news this week from the medical front.

1. ultra scan (the test for trisome and down syndrome) was fine (lowest possible risk category). they ask you to drink 20oz of water an hour before my appointment. in order to do this i arrived an hour early with a book, drank everything in one gulp, curled up in a chair and didn't move. for the scan you lie down and depending on where the baby is it can take a few minutes or, if you're like me, 45...not comfortable with a full bladder -- but seeing the images is amazing.
because i'd done the blood test a week prior i was able to get the results immediately, which was a relief.

2.had my blood levels checked at the IVF clinic on Tuesday and they are good which means my body is producing enough of everything. bye bye meds. finally. officially discharged. i wrote a note to dr.XY saying how thankful we were for everything.

tomorrow another gyno appointment and then we will slowly start telling a few close friends our news. it's really hard as i mentioned before to pull ourselves out of the "it's a secret" mode. that and to try not be scared that things will go wrong. we're trying.

Friday, August 10, 2007

The needles I have known

Today was the last morning for shots. hard to believe. i have no idea how many hundreds of shots i've had. it has been 23 months. that's right. i did my first ivf/pgd september 2005 and have been at it ever since taking two sometimes three month breaks in between. i also pull of my estrace patch and stop popping the progesterone pill. On tuesday i go in for blood work to make sure levels are all ok. i still doesn't seem real that i wont have a sharps container in a special spot, bottles, band aids, heating pads, ice etc.

anyway, just wanted to share that. it's a really big deal for me (and my husband) that there are no more meds...well we hope not.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Good news!

just stopped by DG's site and her pregnancy test was positive. how great is that?! i think she goes in for the blood test in a few days.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

It’s a secret…

everything went great yesterday -- after i stopped crying from fear and then relief i saw the heartbeat which was reassuring. our doc. even said you can tell everyone. HA...and there's the catch: we've spent so many years not telling anyone anything and leading these double lives that it feels really odd to think no more second life that now all of a sudden after not sharing our infertility we will share our fertility. my husband and i agreed to wait until next week after the ultrascreen (non invasive procedure to test for trisome 12, 18 and 21) to make sure that everything really is ok...and then there will be the telling (again assuming all is ok) -- but like i said it seems odd and the words almost stick in my throat. and how do we say them, and when -- right now only my mother and our doctors know. so we will wait till next thursday when the test results come back before saying boo to anyone about this.

then there is the other thing of: do we explain the donor egg idea right from the get go? We want full disclosure for our child, does that mean full disclosure to everyone? to close friends and family? i'm not sure what it means. If anyone has thoughts on this please let me know.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Testing, testing 1,2, 3

I went in for the blood test part of the ultra scan this morning. as i filled out the form i was totally surprised at the box which said ivf: age of egg donor. Wow. There must be a critical mass or recipients to get a box on an insurance form. the test is a quick finger prick and then next week is the ultrascreen to check for fetal abnormalities. as i've mentioned more than once: the fact that this is a DE pregnancy makes all these test so much less stressful -- i can actually go by myself as the terror alert is more like a blue than bright brilliant red.

still can't say i can do everything alone. we are also scheduled today for another ultrasound with a new obgyn -- still don't have one yet....for this appointment i need my husband to hold my hand. it's actually at the same office where we went the two time we discovered that we would need d&c's. i had mixed feeling about going back there -- the memories are so sad and horrible. on the other hand, this is a new chapter, i hope.

today is the beginning of week 11.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007


i'm still having some problems not letting go of the fear that something will happen -- as i well know something bad can. so while i am really happy that things continue to seem good, i am struggling with letting myself really accept what is going on even as my body tells me all is well. my boobs are so HUGE now they are like aliens on my body. i think i'm growing out of the C cup which is terrifying...i mean it's the end of my 10th week! it also means i might have to get another bra which i don't want to do in case this doesn't work out. maybe i should have called this post conflicted? i've actually rewritten for the second time now.

We have not told anyone our news except my mother -- as far as we're concerned it's not news until we pass that magic trimester mark AND the ultrascreen comes back with an "everything looks normal". Every time i pee (which is often) i look to make sure there is no blood. My pants aren't fitting not because i'm showing but because my butt and thighs have expanded with my appetite. still i don't want to buy anything new because what if this doesn't work.

We have not bought any pregnancy books either because the last time we did that the shipment came like 2 days after the first D&C. it was heart breaking and this horrible reminder of our hopes. so now that we've "arrived" i'm just gonna wait before unpacking.

if this pregnancy continues i guess ill find out if/when these worries dissipate.

we have an obgyn appoitment on monday, that will be 10 weeks if things go as we hope they will.

in the DE blog world I'm hoping that things will continue to go well for drowned girl who just did a FDE transfer and Lara who is getting her second beta today and anyone else who just transferred or is waiting to hear something in the next few days.