Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Bio mom

I had a long conversation with a good friend of mine who was adopted regarding whether she considers her bio mom to be her mom and how connected she feels to her bio mom. I was curious for the obvious reasons around DE and what a DE child might want to know.

The background: my friend did not find out she was adopted until she was 15. Yes she was very angry at not knowing AND it also answered a lot of questions for her as she was so physically different from her parents. About 8 few years ago, as she was turning 30 she decided to look for her bio mom. She wanted to find her bio mom for the medical information AND to well, find her. Her big fear was that she’d register and discover her bio mom had no interest in being found. he entered her info into a registry and within 24 hours had the contact information. She initiated contact and they have been in touch ever since mostly by phone with an occasional visit.

How she feels today: After meeting her bio mom she fantasized about being raised by her her and the bio dad (who actually were not together) but then she realized if she had been, she would not know the people she knows today, would not be married to her husband, have their kids, and basically would be a totally different person. She likes who she is and she loves her parents, so once she thought it through the fantasy stopped.

She went on to say that she does not feel that this women is her mom because they don’t share a common background and she was raised by someone else. As she put it: I feel closer to my aunt than I do to my bio mom. At the same time she is very glad to have her in her life, to find out things about the biological side of her family – there are also half siblings.

Now this is one person’s point of view. There are many other experiences out there. I just thought it was interesting to post what her feelings are regarding the love she has for her mother and father versus what she feels for the women who gave birth to her.

As I’ve mentioned a few times here I did not know my birth father – he died right around the time I was born. He had no siblings, his dad was dead and his mother died when I was very young. After his mother died I had no contact with his side of the family. I know nothing exact about his medical history. I do have a few photos of him with my mom and the stories that have been told to me by those who knew him. I was raised by another man, who adopted me, and who I consider my father. When I was a teenager I fantasized A LOT about my dead dad, as an adult I know I am very happy with my life and that a lot of who I am is because of my adopted father. I’ve grown up thinking a parent is more than a biological connection. In a very real way it has prepared me for the DE path – not that this was a path I ever envisioned or knew existed. I had dreams of having a family the old fashioned way.

I don’t blame myself because my eggs didn’t work – they just didn’t. I accept that we will never know why, and even if we did know why it would just be a fact, not a fault. I do think of myself as someone who perseveres and continues to have hope and I am someone who absolutely believes parenthood is more than genetics because that has been my own experience.


peep said...

Thanks for posting the story. It really helps to hear other people's experiences.

rae said...

Hey girl,
as a child who was adopted, i can tell you that I was hurt severely when my mother abandoned me. i read a book recently called "the primal wound" and it hit the nail on the head. adoptive children mourn the loss of their bio parent because we grew inside of them and knew them and lost them. the creation of the "primal wound."
our babies know nothing other than us. we broke no primal wound. they will hear OUR heart, know OUR voice, have the bond they've had since conception and it will never be broken. Thats how our donor babies are different. This is just my opinion. I've struggled for so long with the idea that i will be doing to my child the same thing that my mother did to me. until i read this book and realized, there will be no primal wound created by this experience, only pure and undying love for a much wanted baby.
hugs and love to you

Kami said...

Thanks for sharing your friend's and your thoughts. I love to hear these perspectives.

m said...

Thank you so much for this. I really needed it.

Rachel said...

Hi Stacy... thank you so much for posting this. I continue to read so many stories of adults adopted as children, and for the most part, they are in the same place as you and your friend are. Genetics are important, but I think environment is much more important. Case in point, I have an friend who is not happy about having been adopted, but her situation growing up was rather messed up (and probably somewhat unique), including not knowing who her real mother was (although she was present in her life), and being forced to call her mother AND her aunt 'Mom' once she did know the truth... um, a person could get a little messed up and rightfully turned off to adoption after that. But for the ones who had better situations, it seems to be completely okay. Interesting to hear that she was angry at not being told until 15; that synchs up with everything we've heard from the DE counselors: disclosure, early and 100% honest. Great post.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Summer said...

Thanks for sharing this. I really believe a lot of the hurt the occurs in situations where a child is not raised by their biological parents happens when things are kept secret. It's a huge reason why we have planned not to keep the fact we used donor eggs a secret to any children that might result.

CresceNet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lucinda said...

Interesting to know.