Sunday, July 20, 2008

This Time This Year

Since 2003 it’s been “maybe this time next year I’ll be pregnant, we’ll have a baby” it’s been so long that I was startled when we went hiking last week and on our first day walking a trail I remembered that in 2004 with pregnancy number two not yet a second miscarriage, I saw a family with a small baby and thought to myself this time next year it’ll be us…and then realized as we walked along in 2008, that we have arrived. There is no more this time next year, it is really this time, right now, this is it. The time we have longed for, waited and cried for…and it’s amazing. Truly amazing. DE has been a gift for us. To say getting here wasn’t easy is an understatement to say being here isn’t easy is also true. I don’t have the fears that protracted experiences with infertility seem to bring to a pregnancy that finally “sticks” but I do have the emotional scars and memories. These have begun to well up in anxiety, fears cousin, of the future and a difficulty in enjoying present moments. Yes those precious moments that are gone as soon as they arrive. I am determined not to let them slip as anxious thoughts of the terrible things that could happen seep into my mind. I am determined, if thinking about the future, to think, “what if everything goes right” instead of “what if everything goes wrong”. All these years of contingency plans for possible cycle failures seem to have taught me too well to prepare for the bad and not the good. But I am trying to change that…albeit slowly. And I think there is a glimmer of light…I don’t want to forget the past but I am trying to make a peace with it.

Now for the quick recap: our holiday was the first as a larger family and the first time my husband was able to spend so much time with our daughter. My parents came for one week and I have to say, as I’ve said before, DE continues not to make one iota of difference in our love, or the love of our daughters extended family. It does not come into play it doesn’t matter. What matters is her smile in the morning, her laugher when we play with her, the squeals of delight when she gets a bath, her look of wonder at everything.

She will be twenty weeks old on Thursday.


midlife mommy said...

Time flies when you're having fun. And it just gets better and better. Just when you think "oh, this stage is the best," then they move on to the next stage, and you're sad, but the next stage is even better than the last. Twenty weeks!

It took us four years to conceive my daughter. I was honestly surprised how quickly all the bad stuff faded away, because she just filled in all the empty, painful spaces. I didn't ever lose my empathy for people who are still on the other side, but it wasn't so raw.

Kami said...

Wow! 20 weeks already. Much of what you wrote resonates with me. The good thing about the scars is that when I think of them, it reminds me to appreciate the moment. After all, I may not be successful with a sibling and this may be our only baby time.

Rachel said...

Happy 20 Weeks to You and Baby!

Maybe me too, 1 year from now... :-P

m said...

Happy 20 weeks to you! And thank you so much for checking in on me. I feel great. hopeful and great.

Kate said...

I love reading your blog. I have been trying, without much look, to think more positively. It would make life much easier. Let me know if you find something that works for you!