HCG: 66

Magic words, who knew (at our clinic they are looking for a first test number over 50). Actually anyone on this path knows. I know too well now. Ten years since we started trying to grow our family, have a baby. Our fabulous DE daughter will be three in March and now, luck on our side, we will finally add to our family this year. There’s still a long way from the “You are pregnant” to “This is a viable, healthy pregnancy and you’ve finally passed 12 weeks so breathe a little and perhaps tell a few close friends”.

So that’s where we are. Finally. I’ve actually lost count of how many failures we’ve had a this point. Certainly double digits when including all the miscarriages before we even started with IVF. But we are here. We are grateful. I am trying to start breathing now.

This could be it

Well, tommorow is the pregnancy test...no i have not tested beforehand. The way I know if a cycle is successful is that my body starts sweating at night about two days before the test. Last night, no sweat. Of course I also had insomnia because this is all stressful. I'll see about tonight, but I have a feeling...

The embryos, two, that they put back were great quality. There were many to choose from and many were frozen on day five and three on day six. very different from our previous totally sucky cycle.

If you are reading this, breathe for me today, I'm having trouble not holding my breathe.

The Body doesn’t Lie

Or mine doesn't...Last night I woke up with the sweats and knew it was not a late implentation. After ten cycles I know the signs. I decided not to take anymore meds and spoke to the doc this AM who convinced me to take another blood test. THANK THE UNIVERSE, the Beta went down. It’s over. For now.

Thank you all for your support. Somehow this is harder than normal. And yes, when you have a donor you do think it’s a magic bullet – but there is no magic, just life unfolding. Will spend the weekend trying to heal.

It’s happening again…

22 HCG ten days past transfer. It’s cruel really. The last pregnancy in February the one that dragged on for six weeks before the D&C started with a 34. It almost seems like a joke to go through this again - to be in the "you're not negative but your positive is really sucky" place. I’m trying to go with it. Hope for the best but really, the whole thing is like, F*#$ this is happening again. Would like for it to be over quickly one way or another. We are going out of town this weekend so I wont even be able to do a blood test until Monday.

So there we are. Once again. Waiting in limbo, not really anywhere. Still so grateful for all that we have balanced by this is just totally crappy news and I feel stuck.

Imagine our shock

when we sat down with dr. fabulous to go over how many of our 18 fertilized embryos we’d put back/freeze and he told us that in fact we had a grand total of two that had made it past the five day mark and those two we’d put back because neither was yet a blast. so the chances that both would make it/stick were very small.

Aint life amazing. One minute we are hypothetically speaking to our obgyn about if I could even physically carry twins the next we are so grateful that we even have two embryos that we can put back at all.

All I can say is that Summer put is so well (thank you Summer) when she said in her comment to my previous post “even though medicine can try to create more and they can retrieve more than one mature egg per stimulation. The whole point of retrieving multiple mature eggs per stimulation is to try to find that good one.”

And of course there is this to say once again: We have no control over events, science certainly gives us that illusion, but it isn’t totally science. There is something else involved in all of this otherwise 1+1 would always equal 2 but that just isn’t the case in the fertility spinning wheel.

So keep sending your thoughts and comments. I have nine more days to go.

My husband and I are, I think, at peace with the idea that whatever the outcome is; it’s what’s meant to be for us and for our family. That said of course I vacillate between hopeful and totally negative until I’m able to remind myself to remain in the present moment which is a nice one to be in.

Ugh

Blah’s have set in. Back went out. Almost got sick. Body is tired. It is different getting over this loss with a child already here. We know how lucky we are to have her, and she doesn’t let me sit and stew. All good.

Still it’s hard. And now that the relief of having the D& C is behind me I can feel sad. DH and I went to hear some classical music and I immediately started crying. A good thing. Went to a toddler CPR class and heard this girl say everyone here has just had a second baby, or is expecting one except for her (pointing at me). Crap thing. Seeing my “friend” and not talking to her about any of this….the one who said she wished she might have a miscarriage. Yeah, that friend. I did not officially tell her what happened, have not really seen her alone, but have not felt like it. And I don’t really want to hear about her pregnancy. Awkward thing. She lives two blocks away and her daughter and ours like to play together – they are two weeks apart. Guess I’ll stuff my feelings around her and go pay my therapist more money to get through it all.

Anyway, life does forge ahead, and this one is.

It’s over.

It’s over. For now.

D&C this morning. When our doctor came to do the ultrasound he said something once again that was totally icky. This time I was ready. And guess what? He heard me. He totally apologized. And apologized again. And again. And it really made a difference because instead of feeling vaguely icky I just was able to feel sad. I urge you, if you are ever in a similar situation to speak up. I didn’t yell, I know I had tears in my eyes because well, because. And it was fine. And it was a relief. And I don’t care if he remembers about last week, I am hopeful that he will drop in when he speak to the next patient in a similar situation. And I know he can. And when he says he understand how painful this is, he does. He and his wife used a donor and a surrogate and we all know you don’t just start there.

It feels like a relief to have all the waiting over, finally. Even though the waiting means the end of this pregnancy. This is my fourth miscarriage. I hope it is the last. DH and I have to talk about what we want to do. We may be done, and we may try again. I’m just in this moment getting through. Taking the time to sit and breathe and feel instead of covering up with busy work.

Thank you as always for your support.

Sucky friend update: she emailed an apology. A nice one (in a way better than a phone call since I didn’t have to respond etc.). But I’m not sure if the damage has been done. In other words I will still be friends with her, how deep that friendship goes remains to be seen.

How Sucky Can it Get?

“It looks like you’re headed for a D&C” but, of course we need to wait an see because there is a chance (and the doc has seen it happen0that everything could be hunky dory). And the five days behind in development are still about a late implantation. And so begins the fourth week of wait and see. Very hard psychologically and physically. We have shared with no one although this morning I finally told my mother. Her response “ can you get the same donor again?”. Not exactly the warm nurturing comment I was hoping for. And no I don’t know what I was hoping but I do know it wasn’t that.

At any rate, still waiting, still doing shots and popping pills and stuffing my face because I’m starving all the time and in the back of my head is that small image today that didn’t have a fetal heartbeat when it should but we can’t give up yet because we never know. So I guess in the moment I’m still pregnant and next Tuesday’s scan – scheduled for 9:00 AM so that if I need a D&C I can get whisked off to another floor for a 9:30 procedure – will tell all.

Safe…for now

So it’s not ectopic! Bedside manner of doctor was horrible. You’d think that was actually not a good thing the way she said it…you are still in a gray area sac hasn’t developed yet. And I’m like do you expect one now? And she’s like no. God…youd’ think they’d have an ounce of sensitivity. Maybe. At any rate we are still playing the waiting game. On to next week’s scan. I’d like to remain cautiously positive. Will let you know in a week.

Seesaw

Well today my number is somewhere in mid 500s which is normal for the number I had earlier but is low for this point in time. So they are all like we’re not worried BUT should come in for ultrasound next Tuesday (instead of waiting another week for my doctor to get back from a trip) just to rule out an Ectopic Pregnancy. Ugh. The nurse was like, “I’m not worried at all your numbers are right on target from the 34 baseline”. And yadda yadda yadda – ugh. And I’m like ummm you know you are talking to someone who seen so many permutations of what can go wrong this is not soothing.

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for us.

Today lottery number इस...

Today my number was 270. Doctors have gone from cautiously optimistic to optimistic. We are still cautious. Always. I am scared to think it might have worked. Again. Scared and grateful.

And no I am not thinking I wish this time it was with my own eggs. Not at all. Why should I. It makes no difference in my love.

I am just hopeful that everything will turn out ok and that we remain grounded enough to integrate a possible new soul into our family in a safe nurturing way.

Perfect Moments

I’m borrowing a title (sorta) from Kami …first let me say I don’t know where the time
goes. I still can’t believe our little one is now 8 months old or that it took us over five years to get to this place. There are many days that go by where I don’t think about DE at all, and many others when I do…especially when

a. someone asks: do you want another. Ha, as if it were so easy.
b. someone says: She is the perfect combination of you and your husband
c. someone says: She has your: eyes

I just nod and smile and say something agreeable to any of those comments. Sometimes I wish we hadn’t told so many people as it REALLY DOESN’T MATTER that we used an egg donor. But I know it mattered to us at the time to tell people and it still MATTERS A LOT to let our daughter know of her fantastic high tech origins. How we will do this is umm, unknown. We read a lot of books that said start telling her her birth story from the get go. We haven’t. Other say tell her when she is x, or y or z age. If anyone has experience of thoughts on the when to tell or how, I’d like to hear/read what you think.

Basically for all we went through to get here I doubt our lives are that different from other first time mom’s although perhaps the appreciation I have for the struggle it took to get here adds another layer. I don’t know. All I can say is I LOVE OUR DAUGHTER. All the perfect moments in her day make me very happy. Of course there are imperfect moments a plenty. And the adjustment for my husband and I has not been that smooth. No one talks about the transition for the couple from infertile couple for years, to couple with child. Or how when you’ve waited so long for something you get very overprotective…we’re loosening up but…anyone have a similar experience?


Anyway, just wanted to post because it’s been a long time.

Every day is a blessing

Hi everyone…time passes so quickly. Our daughter will be six months old in a week. I can’t believe it. And I’m so happy to know that there are many new DE mother’s to be out there. Every day with her is a day when I think “it’s so amazing that I ever thought that a donor egg could matter in my love.” But I guess you have, or I had to, go through the whole process to understand it all.


I secretly laugh at the people who don’t know us well who peer into our little ones face and announce things like “her eyes are spaced the same as yours…or there’s just something about her that is like you…” People really do see what they want to sseen. So now I nod and say thank you.

Anyway just wanted to say hi. Trying to keep up with everyone please know even if I don’t post I am following what is going on sending out support vibes to all.

This Time This Year

Since 2003 it’s been “maybe this time next year I’ll be pregnant, we’ll have a baby” it’s been so long that I was startled when we went hiking last week and on our first day walking a trail I remembered that in 2004 with pregnancy number two not yet a second miscarriage, I saw a family with a small baby and thought to myself this time next year it’ll be us…and then realized as we walked along in 2008, that we have arrived. There is no more this time next year, it is really this time, right now, this is it. The time we have longed for, waited and cried for…and it’s amazing. Truly amazing. DE has been a gift for us. To say getting here wasn’t easy is an understatement to say being here isn’t easy is also true. I don’t have the fears that protracted experiences with infertility seem to bring to a pregnancy that finally “sticks” but I do have the emotional scars and memories. These have begun to well up in anxiety, fears cousin, of the future and a difficulty in enjoying present moments. Yes those precious moments that are gone as soon as they arrive. I am determined not to let them slip as anxious thoughts of the terrible things that could happen seep into my mind. I am determined, if thinking about the future, to think, “what if everything goes right” instead of “what if everything goes wrong”. All these years of contingency plans for possible cycle failures seem to have taught me too well to prepare for the bad and not the good. But I am trying to change that…albeit slowly. And I think there is a glimmer of light…I don’t want to forget the past but I am trying to make a peace with it.

Now for the quick recap: our holiday was the first as a larger family and the first time my husband was able to spend so much time with our daughter. My parents came for one week and I have to say, as I’ve said before, DE continues not to make one iota of difference in our love, or the love of our daughters extended family. It does not come into play it doesn’t matter. What matters is her smile in the morning, her laugher when we play with her, the squeals of delight when she gets a bath, her look of wonder at everything.

She will be twenty weeks old on Thursday.

Ten is a Magic Number

Today our daughter is 10 weeks old. Sometimes it seems so unreal after having waited and wanted this for so long…I keep thinking is this really my life now? I had gotten so used to the cycles and needles and planning weekends to recoup from disappointment and loss…these memories/feelings do not go away with the birth of a child. Yes the recede but they are also a part of me and have shaped who I am now. It’s why we didn’t have a baby shower, it’s why when I speak to friends I don’t speak about her first – or check myself to make sure I’m not going over board with baby talk. Mind you I am totally in love with our daughter and very happy…what’s funny is after wondering before we began the DE process if should would feel like my daughter without the genetic connection (yes 100%) I am now worried as I go back to work full time that the person we hire to care for her will become so connected to her that our daughter will think of her as her primary care giver…re-enforces yet again that is the time spent and love given that makes the parent.

I know I’ve blogged a lot about how being a parent is much more than a blood tie, and I think at this point there is nothing new to say on the topic besides the blanket statement genetics don’t matter…so going forward I’ll try to refrain from repeating myself and focus more on experiences I have that seem DE specific which some of you may or may not find helpful or of interest.

And on that front: we told another couple (known for a long time but rarely see) about our little ones origins this after the wife was saying how she is a mix of both of us…I wanted to share with her because they’d had their own fertility issues…wouldn’t you know it she told me about her close friend who used DE and a surrogate – goes to show there are so many combinations and so many ways to create a family. Anyway it felt good to tell her and at the same time it seems less and less important to say anything. Not because we want to hide DE (we will tell our little one about her high tech beginning) but because it just doesn’t seem to matter. I read an interview of the mother of a girl I went to high school she was adopted and the mother refers to her simply as her daughter…it think that says it all.

She looks just like you: part two

Our daughter is now six weeks old – six weeks of experiencing what we had dreamed about for almost seven years. It is still unreal to me, to us, and yet it has happened. All the agonizing we did about using DE and how we would feel was mostly washed away over a year ago when we finally decided on this route and now that the little one is here I truly understand how all our fears meant nothing. I do not feel that oh she’s not genetically mine, that doesn’t bubble up at all. I look into her eyes and think here is a tiny human being and we have been trusted to care for her and give her roots so that when she grows her wings and flies away she’ll also be firmly grounded.

The thing that has continued to happen and I suppose will continue well, as long as we’re alive, are the comments from people on who she looks like and no I’m not just talking about strangers. My mother-in-law who knows all about the DE said to me last week she has your eyes and long fingers. How funny is that? I didn’t correct her and launch into a whole thing about how it’s totally impossible for her to look like me, I just smiled and fell back on my favorite response: you think so? It goes to show how little it really matters and how people will see what they want to see. For instance I’m pretty sure she and I stretch the same when we wake up…

She looks just like you…

A few people have said our daughter looks like my mother and my Uncle and what do I say? I say “you think so?” or rather I write that as it’s people who have seen photos of her. Of course I don’t mean our close friends and family, they all know we used a donor egg – these are the circle of people who we are not that close with. My husband and I decided we don’t need to explain to every person what we did or went through – the caveat being if we ever feel uncomfortable with what we are saying…in other words if either of us feel we are lying, or covering something up. My husband’s father asked us: do I tell everyone she is from a donor egg? And we said: only if you feel uncomfortable not telling them.

Has anything changed in perceptions of her in the last two weeks? Do I think “ what if she was my bio daughter? Am I missing out because she wont look physically like me?” And the answer is: she is my daughter, it’s really as simple as that. My husband says she sleeps like me and furrows her brows like me, I am reminded yet again that we take on our parents mannerisms and intonations and it is perhaps this that makes us most “look” like them…and again, it doesn’t matter who she looks like. It’s actually amazing to me that I ever thought it would matter, that I mourned the loss of my genetics at all (yes I cried and got angry)…of course that was something I had to go through to get to this place right now, this place of knowing it doesn’t matter how she came into this world, this little girl is our daughter .

1:39 AM

Our daughter was born on Thursday March 6th at 1:39 AM. What can I say, as I write this I feel like crying tears of joy. I can tell you that it really really doesn’t matter that she started with another egg than my own. She is our daughter. The soul chooses the parents it wouldn’t have mattered anyway how we had her she’s still be her. If that makes any sense any at all. So right now being a DE mother feels like just being a mom (I can’t believe I am finally writing the word mom for myself)…as far as I can tell at any rate. We went to the pediatrician this morning and when he asked about family history I said she’s a DE baby and gave him the medical information I have that’s probably the most eventful difference between me and someone with a 100% bio baby, at least for the moment.

As for the birth nothing went as planned but it was wonderful experience anyway and I kept remembering the forest for the trees. My husband at my request had found some photos online of woods, meadows and trees in Oregon and thereabouts which I looked at often during the 22 hours of labor to remind myself about what we can and can’t control. In the then end she was a floating baby meaning she never dropped. I was induced 10 days after our due date and despite 20 hours on petocin without an epidural I never dilated or effaced, although my water broke. I ate like a fiend the entire time: chicken, pasta, eggs, apples, almond butter, quinoa…after 20 hours the doctor and doula agreed I should try an epidural to see if my muscles would relax enough to let the babies head come down. It didn’t work. So we ended up with a C-section and I’m grateful for it as she simply wasn’t going to come out any other way. What we did do is keep her with us during the entire surgery and she came intro recovery and latched on. So yeah, not the experience I’d planned but still a good experience. Forest trumps tree!

Thank you for your thoughts – I am happy to report we are all well. I will check up on everyone in the next weeks, just trying to adjust to everything at the moment. I hope everyone is well.

worry warts

turkey day was fine -- my husband and i decided that we would tell people about the donor if it made sense to do so regardless of my parents. it's been interesting for me to see how much i still want their approval even though i'm an adult. needless to say it didn't actually come up...and most people there were not family. the close friends who came already knew so there you are. once again i was worried about something that didn't happen. i read something somewhere once about how the things you worry about are the things that don't happen which is true until it isn't. so i guess it's good to be prepared. and i appreciate the advice that people left for me. it was helpful.

had a glucose test this AM and everything seems normal. i'll know the results in a day or two. i ate the food the chinese doctor suggested instead of the bagel the doctor suggested and feel fine. no sugar crash. and quinoa congee is fairly yummy. the test really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. once again something i was worried about that was basically a nothing.

we are now 27 weeks and the baby is 2 pounds. doctor said this is when you feel the kicks the strongest because the baby is big enough and there is still room for it to move around.

getting to here from there

i've been reading a bit on other DE blogs about the process of accepting (or not accepting) the path of DE. a little pregnant has a really good discussion going on about this and if you haven't read it you might want too. there are MANY points of view.

for the record i wanted to explain our thinking a little bit more and why we were able to accept DE. of course when Dr.XY first mentioned it when we had failed ivf/pgd #3 we were OUTRAGED....but by #7 things had changed a lot: we'd gone from having odds have success (granted lower than 1%) to having the idea of random luck to get us through a healthy pregnancy. all of a sudden DE seemed like a gift not a curse.

some reasons i was also able to wrap my brain around the idea of DE and accept it into my heart and psyche.

1. my father died when before i was one and i was raised by my adopted father. when i think about who i am today -- mannerisms, values, how i conduct myself in this world and around others, not to mention many of my interests -- lots of these traits come from his example. i am who i am today because of how he and my mom raised me. how i look is the superficial coating. not to mention that i have "inherited" several of his facial expressions.

2. when my husband and i decided to have children it wasn't to have clones of ourselves (though of course that initial fantasy of blending our looks/talents was there), it was to raise people who would make a positive difference in this world.

3. we believe that a soul comes to you no matter how you have your child (adoption, DE, the "normal" way etc.)

4. of course i had my moments thinking wow, this child will never physically look like me but as i said above that is really not the reason we want children. i mourned the genetic loss as we discussed the idea of doing this, but that loss quickly became a gain when we realized how much we've learned through this process.

if anyone would like to share why they chose/welcomed DE as the right decision for them, please do.


Tomorrow is our 7 week scan...the balance of terror and hope continues.