Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Perfect Moments

I’m borrowing a title (sorta) from Kami …first let me say I don’t know where the time
goes. I still can’t believe our little one is now 8 months old or that it took us over five years to get to this place. There are many days that go by where I don’t think about DE at all, and many others when I do…especially when

a. someone asks: do you want another. Ha, as if it were so easy.
b. someone says: She is the perfect combination of you and your husband
c. someone says: She has your: eyes

I just nod and smile and say something agreeable to any of those comments. Sometimes I wish we hadn’t told so many people as it REALLY DOESN’T MATTER that we used an egg donor. But I know it mattered to us at the time to tell people and it still MATTERS A LOT to let our daughter know of her fantastic high tech origins. How we will do this is umm, unknown. We read a lot of books that said start telling her her birth story from the get go. We haven’t. Other say tell her when she is x, or y or z age. If anyone has experience of thoughts on the when to tell or how, I’d like to hear/read what you think.

Basically for all we went through to get here I doubt our lives are that different from other first time mom’s although perhaps the appreciation I have for the struggle it took to get here adds another layer. I don’t know. All I can say is I LOVE OUR DAUGHTER. All the perfect moments in her day make me very happy. Of course there are imperfect moments a plenty. And the adjustment for my husband and I has not been that smooth. No one talks about the transition for the couple from infertile couple for years, to couple with child. Or how when you’ve waited so long for something you get very overprotective…we’re loosening up but…anyone have a similar experience?

Anyway, just wanted to post because it’s been a long time.


Summer said...

So happy to see you post!

We also plan to talk to our child from birth about his origins and about using an egg donor, but I find that as I get closer and closer to meeting this child I think less and less about the fact that we used an egg donor, although she is on my mind (just not in the forefront) because I often think about how this wouldn't have been possible without her. But somehow that fact doesn't seem as big as the fact that we're having a baby and THAT is what is upmost in my mind right now.

It makes me think that with all the time and energy that it takes to take care of a newborn, we might not be talking to our child about our donor right away just because our lives will be filled with so many other things.

There are children's books out there that address the donor egg issue. My favorite is one called "Mommy was your tummy big?" It's nice and simple and I can see myself reading this book to my child at some point. As he gets older, I figure he will have questions that will lead to us to giving him more details.

Midlife Mommy said...

And, there's another time -- when you go to the walk-in clinic because it's easier, they will ask you about diseases on mom's side of the family. I just say "donor egg" and leave it at that. My daughter is four now, and she hasn't registered me saying that yet. I try to work it in when we talk about babies, and she knows that I needed help. (Heck, she sees me getting shots now, so she thinks that is how everyone has a baby.) I need to dig out those books that talk about the donor egg story. We did read them to her once or twice, but she wasn't that interested at two. Now, she wants to know about her body -- what's inside and how it works. This is probably a good time to start up again.

Sue said...

My partner is adopted and he doesn't remember ever NOT knowing he was adopted, although I doubt his parents talked to him about it when he was very young. We plan to be open about using donor eggs with our friends, families and our child, but our therapist indicated we probably didn't need to share the information with our child until the age of 3 or 4. I'm not sure they understand a lot or are very interested before then, but it never hurts to start the conversation early.

areyoukiddingme said...

My cousin (who was adopted) has a daughter that looks and acts just like my aunt. Either there's really something to this Oedipus complex thing, or it doesn't really matter where the genetic material came from because people will see similarities regardless.

The donor egg issue might matter to your daughter at some point, but as long as she is completely secure in your love, she will be able to process it. It will probably cause you more worry than her. When to tell? Whenever it seems like it might be important - maybe when she starts asking more detailed questions about where babies come from. How? I think you'll have to do that based on her personality. So try to put it aside for now and just enjoy.

stacyb said...

thank you everyone for the good advice. it makes sense to wait and it makes sense to just blurt it out to doctors when needed and it makes a lot of sense to just enjoy what is going on right now.

Kami said...

Good to hear an update! As for when to tell, if a child hears before age four she will never remember being told and I think that is better than having a certain view of the world and then having it change.

I am already telling LB about her conception, but mostly in vague terms - you know, "You are SO special! We wanted you for a long time! Lots of people helped us get you." that sort of thing.

I think about her being the product of donor eggs often. I think it is my nature, but most of the time it doesn't bug me.

Kate said...

Please keep posting on how you handle disclosure- I'll need some advice someday too!! It's weird how thinking of DE comes and goes. For a while, it was such a huge deal to me, and right now, it's not. But, I know it will be again, especially once the baby arrives and I start getting the same comments you do!

Kate said...

I remembered this post and wanted to share a story with you- one that made me happy. On Thanksgiving, the topic of gas (as in the kind we pass) came up with my brothers as it always does, and one of them said that, without a doubt, my baby will be a gassy one simply b/c of the fact that it's mine (I guess they are claiming it's an inherited trait). I secretly smiled at my husband b/c I know I worry all the time that people who know it's DE think about it all the time- that they never will really think of this baby as being my own baby. The second my brother said that, it reassured me that no one else probably thinks about it nearly half as much as I worry, b/c apparently he'd forgotten it didn't have my genes to be gassy with!!

m said...

Well hey stranger! So nice to see an update. I love your posts about dealing with donor eggs and disclosure. Don't stay away so long next time. :)