Ugh

Blah’s have set in. Back went out. Almost got sick. Body is tired. It is different getting over this loss with a child already here. We know how lucky we are to have her, and she doesn’t let me sit and stew. All good.

Still it’s hard. And now that the relief of having the D& C is behind me I can feel sad. DH and I went to hear some classical music and I immediately started crying. A good thing. Went to a toddler CPR class and heard this girl say everyone here has just had a second baby, or is expecting one except for her (pointing at me). Crap thing. Seeing my “friend” and not talking to her about any of this….the one who said she wished she might have a miscarriage. Yeah, that friend. I did not officially tell her what happened, have not really seen her alone, but have not felt like it. And I don’t really want to hear about her pregnancy. Awkward thing. She lives two blocks away and her daughter and ours like to play together – they are two weeks apart. Guess I’ll stuff my feelings around her and go pay my therapist more money to get through it all.

Anyway, life does forge ahead, and this one is.

It’s over.

It’s over. For now.

D&C this morning. When our doctor came to do the ultrasound he said something once again that was totally icky. This time I was ready. And guess what? He heard me. He totally apologized. And apologized again. And again. And it really made a difference because instead of feeling vaguely icky I just was able to feel sad. I urge you, if you are ever in a similar situation to speak up. I didn’t yell, I know I had tears in my eyes because well, because. And it was fine. And it was a relief. And I don’t care if he remembers about last week, I am hopeful that he will drop in when he speak to the next patient in a similar situation. And I know he can. And when he says he understand how painful this is, he does. He and his wife used a donor and a surrogate and we all know you don’t just start there.

It feels like a relief to have all the waiting over, finally. Even though the waiting means the end of this pregnancy. This is my fourth miscarriage. I hope it is the last. DH and I have to talk about what we want to do. We may be done, and we may try again. I’m just in this moment getting through. Taking the time to sit and breathe and feel instead of covering up with busy work.

Thank you as always for your support.

Sucky friend update: she emailed an apology. A nice one (in a way better than a phone call since I didn’t have to respond etc.). But I’m not sure if the damage has been done. In other words I will still be friends with her, how deep that friendship goes remains to be seen.

With a friend like this who needs an enemy?

So there was one friend I told about our pregnancy. She had told me she was pregnant and was not so happy about it (not someone with fertility issues). At any rate she asked me how things were going. “Not great, it looks like I’m headed for a miscarriage.” “Oh I wish that would happen to me.” I kid you not. That was the response. I looked at her like WTF and almost started crying and said something to the effect of, umm that was not helpful. Immediately she was like I’m sorry blab bla....i had this urge to smooth things over and say to her I know you didn’t mean it. Instead I just said, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Then she’s all like I feel terrible – and I’m sure she did but I didn’t feel like consoling her for telling me she wished she was having a miscarriage too. Gawd.

I know she didn’t mean it. I know she has a lot going on. It’s just disappointing when a friend doesn’t come through. And it’s just sort of gross.

Anyway, still waiting and eating and popping pills and doing injections and time is slowly dragging by till next Tuesday.

Thanks for listening/reading.

How Sucky Can it Get?

“It looks like you’re headed for a D&C” but, of course we need to wait an see because there is a chance (and the doc has seen it happen0that everything could be hunky dory). And the five days behind in development are still about a late implantation. And so begins the fourth week of wait and see. Very hard psychologically and physically. We have shared with no one although this morning I finally told my mother. Her response “ can you get the same donor again?”. Not exactly the warm nurturing comment I was hoping for. And no I don’t know what I was hoping but I do know it wasn’t that.

At any rate, still waiting, still doing shots and popping pills and stuffing my face because I’m starving all the time and in the back of my head is that small image today that didn’t have a fetal heartbeat when it should but we can’t give up yet because we never know. So I guess in the moment I’m still pregnant and next Tuesday’s scan – scheduled for 9:00 AM so that if I need a D&C I can get whisked off to another floor for a 9:30 procedure – will tell all.

Safe…for now

So it’s not ectopic! Bedside manner of doctor was horrible. You’d think that was actually not a good thing the way she said it…you are still in a gray area sac hasn’t developed yet. And I’m like do you expect one now? And she’s like no. God…youd’ think they’d have an ounce of sensitivity. Maybe. At any rate we are still playing the waiting game. On to next week’s scan. I’d like to remain cautiously positive. Will let you know in a week.

Seesaw

Well today my number is somewhere in mid 500s which is normal for the number I had earlier but is low for this point in time. So they are all like we’re not worried BUT should come in for ultrasound next Tuesday (instead of waiting another week for my doctor to get back from a trip) just to rule out an Ectopic Pregnancy. Ugh. The nurse was like, “I’m not worried at all your numbers are right on target from the 34 baseline”. And yadda yadda yadda – ugh. And I’m like ummm you know you are talking to someone who seen so many permutations of what can go wrong this is not soothing.

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for us.

Today lottery number इस...

Today my number was 270. Doctors have gone from cautiously optimistic to optimistic. We are still cautious. Always. I am scared to think it might have worked. Again. Scared and grateful.

And no I am not thinking I wish this time it was with my own eggs. Not at all. Why should I. It makes no difference in my love.

I am just hopeful that everything will turn out ok and that we remain grounded enough to integrate a possible new soul into our family in a safe nurturing way.