hurdles

so just about a full week has gone by since we got over our first hurdle the positive pregnancy test. i struggle a little bit with actually believing it's true even as i find myself getting exhausted every afternoon, and very hungry once in a while. it is not smooth sailing after all the struggle and past pregnancies that didn't work. it's hard for me and my husband to let ourselves by happy or even fully embrace what is happening. don't get me wrong we are happy and grateful but we are also terrified. i keep thinking that as scared as we are we would be a thousand times more scared if we hadn't gone with donor eggs. with my eggs the odds that if id gotten pregnant i'd ever have had a healthy pregnancy were slim at best.

i had my follow up blood test a few days early and things are still looking good although my progesterone is borderline. they'd like the number to be high. what the number is i don't know. i don't ask because with my personality if i knew numbers i'd start fixating and scouring the Internet for information or misinformation etc...so all i know is they'd like it a little higher but are not worried and my beta is good.

so now my regime is

1. 3 estrogen pills a day

2. 1 estrogen patch every other day

3. 2 progesterone pills a day

4. and of course, one big shot every morning.

So it goes. i am doing a follow up blood test on Tuesday to check the progesterone levels and the big heartbeat check comes july 3rd. that is the one that is most terrifying because with my other two pregnancies that is when we were told the pregnancies were no longer viable and it was on to the D&C.

so i keep reminding myself not to jump ahead. to stay with today, and to remember that this time with a healthy donor egg things are very different.

update

it worked! we are pregnant. wow. very exciting and sort of surreal. i'd always wondered what it would be like to get the call that we should continue our shots etc....and now i know. after 7 phone calls saying stop everything and wait for your period we finally heard: keep taking your shots and taking your pills everything looks great right now.

i have no doubt doubts will come because of previous experiences -- but actually things are so different this time around. we started with a healthier egg -- not my eggs which have so many problems. my husband and i talked about how if the IVF/PGD had ever worked we'd have been terrified because we still wouldn't know that something wasn't wrong -- PGD detects only about 12 abnormalities. Right now we know that the egg that was used is totally healthy, without question -- and that the embryo (or embryos) growing inside us have a fantastic chance of being healthy. It is a relief, it is a gift.

sweating

so no sweating last night...phew. this AM we went for my blood test. I did not take a home pregnancy this time. I have always done this in the past on the 9th day because i've sweated at night and wanted confirmation that the cycle had failed before being told. This time is different. this time im thinking it may have worked and the idea of taking at home test and possibly getting a false negative is what has kept me from doing anything other than the blood test route.

ill get a call late this morning. not really going to try and concentrate. figure why pretend that i can? it's actually what i usually do, but i guess it seems like as good a time as any to do something different.

waiting

well week has gone by fast. i have been mostly able to focus so that's good and the visit from my best friend was great. i have begun to dare thinking that this may have worked.

Why?

Well because the past seven times about 5 days before the pregnancy test i start sweating at night in three places:

1. between my breasts -- a sort of sticky sweat.
2. on the back of my head
3. back of my upper thighs.

I think this is my body trying to get rid of the progesterone that it no longer needs. Once i stop the shots then my body really goes to town for like the next two nights. so much sweat that i keep a spare t-shirt next to the bed so i can swap it with the totally soaked one i am wearing. really.

this time no sweats.

so two more days to see if my theory is correct.

i am cautiously hopeful.

two

two were put back two frozen and another three waiting in the holding docks for possibly freezing today!

we are cautiously optimistic. i know the odds are better this and i also know that nothing is a sure thing. so now begins the waiting while pretending not to wait -- hoping that work sucks me in so much that i can totally concentrate and think about what im doing not what might or might not be happening in my body. luckily i love what i do and a good friend is staying with us for the week so time should move along.

although that said i am very much fine with the present moment.

while you wait

waiting waiting waiting....i think i've spent the last 22months waiting on things IVF related and the last four years waiting for things pregnancy related. waiting for the right time of the month, waiting to try a pregnancy test, waiting to try again, waiting for doctors visit, waiting to see if the fetus grows or we do a D&C, waiting some more, waiting for information, waiting through cycles waiting through the times in between...and now waiting, again, for another transfer. albeit this time with way better odds. and at least i have plenty of practice! tap tap tap. there is a possibility we'd be called in today for a day 3 transfer...we'll see.

it is nice for me to read the blogs of other people going the DE route. Mr. B and i have been very private about all things fertility related and donor egg is so far away from the thinking of most people I don't even want to have to explain it, or us, or anything. Which is why, i guess, it is such a relief to read all the other DE blogs. so thank you to everyone who posts and puts up their experiences/thoughts/feelings you've all really helped me not feel so alone.

oh, and to answer Daisy, regarding putting back 2 or 3 embryos: previously we would have put back 3 because the odds were so low for us with my own eggs. to be honest i'd be so happy to put back one healthy embryo that had a decent chance. i really don't know what i'd do if given that choice. finally i think the clinic we are working with only puts back 2 on DE cycle so that wont even be an option for us.

ticktock

well between today and yesterday 7 embryos grew. 7 chances for us to possibly have a healthy pregnancy and baby. the doc. said we will wait 5 days for a transfer. this is all new to us as our previous 7 attempts -- hmm the number 7 again -- were all with PGD when the fourth morning is spent staring at the phone waiting to find out if any embryos are healthy and can be put back. In our case it was always one in ten would be good to put back. amazing isn't it. Once we had 21 embryos and after PGD only three were deemed ok. what happened to my eggs? maybe the radiation treatments? maybe they were never that great...it isn't age yet -- or so they tell me. and i guess, in the end it actually doesn't matter. this is the way it is. we are happy to have this other chance.