Fear vs. Stomach

my stomach finally trumped my fear. i bought maternity clothes yesterday (just finishing up week 14). i hope this is not jinxing things but i've been walking around with my pants unbuttoned and long shirts for a while now. my mantra is "this time things are different" and then i take a few deep breaths when the anxiety creeps up.

next week we are going to talk to a family therapist with my parents regarding disclosure -- i'm looking forward to this and hopefully it will give us some broader understanding of ourselves and of this topic. i've also ordered a few books on DE and books for DE children based on a long bibliography from our IVF clinic..once i get them if any seem really good to me i'll post the titles.

what else...we started telling our friends our news...just the pregnancy part. most of them didn't even know about the IVF or our losses -- it was something we chose not to share. anyway, that has been interesting. i feel very hesitant, it's partly the fear and partly just, well it feels strange to have this type of good news and i'm not sure how to wear it...so to speak.

many of my close friends are single women all of whom would like to have children and find a life partner so im very sensitive about how to tell them -- plus i've been on the receiving side of pregnancy news and felt a mixture of happiness and devastation (because of our fertility issues) so often and for so long that i just don't want our news to be the focus of most conversations.

it goes without saying that the already extended offer for a baby shower was kindly denied because well, frankly, i am too scared to celebrate until our baby is born. wow i can't believe i just wrote that...until our baby is born...how great is that?!