Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It’s over.

It’s over. For now.

D&C this morning. When our doctor came to do the ultrasound he said something once again that was totally icky. This time I was ready. And guess what? He heard me. He totally apologized. And apologized again. And again. And it really made a difference because instead of feeling vaguely icky I just was able to feel sad. I urge you, if you are ever in a similar situation to speak up. I didn’t yell, I know I had tears in my eyes because well, because. And it was fine. And it was a relief. And I don’t care if he remembers about last week, I am hopeful that he will drop in when he speak to the next patient in a similar situation. And I know he can. And when he says he understand how painful this is, he does. He and his wife used a donor and a surrogate and we all know you don’t just start there.

It feels like a relief to have all the waiting over, finally. Even though the waiting means the end of this pregnancy. This is my fourth miscarriage. I hope it is the last. DH and I have to talk about what we want to do. We may be done, and we may try again. I’m just in this moment getting through. Taking the time to sit and breathe and feel instead of covering up with busy work.

Thank you as always for your support.

Sucky friend update: she emailed an apology. A nice one (in a way better than a phone call since I didn’t have to respond etc.). But I’m not sure if the damage has been done. In other words I will still be friends with her, how deep that friendship goes remains to be seen.

6 comments:

Summer said...

Stacy, I'm so sorry. I know for me, a miscarriage is worse than getting a BFN.

I know with time you will figure out what is best for you and your family. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself as you deal with this loss.

Summer said...

Stacy, I'm so sorry. I know for me, a miscarriage is worse than getting a BFN.

I know with time you will figure out what is best for you and your family. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself as you deal with this loss.

Sue said...

I'm sorry it's the end for now and that you had to experience your fourth miscarriage. I'm sorry as well your doctor said something icky again, but I'm glad you were able to let him know how you feel. Hopefully that will pay off in the future when he finds another patient in a similar situation. Take care of yourself - I'm sending you a big hug.

Summer said...

I was checking in, hoping to see good news. It breaks my heart to see this post. For me, a miscarriage is much, much harder to cope with than a BFN.

I'm sorry, Stacy.

I know in time you will figure out what the next step will be for you and your family. Until then, I hope you will remember to be gentle with yourself as you deal with this loss.

m said...

Dear Stacy, I'm sorry. Just sorry. There's no need for future decisions right now at this very moment. Just take each moment as you are. And know you are my hero for plainly telling someone that what they said to you hurt, regardless of the intent.

Joy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that this is worse than BFN. You're in our prayers.