Wednesday, July 18, 2007

s/he looks just like you

certainly not a comment a donor recipient expects to hear, although i have read that it does happen.

my husband and i decided a while ago on full disclosure to our child (if we should be lucky enough to have one). i know this is not the usual way that one has a family, but there are so many different permutations of families these days...we're not quite sure how we will say it -- someone we know who is a mother from donor egg began telling her daughter almost immediately the story of the nice lady who helped create her.

that said I don't know that we plan to tell everyone -- certainly the obgyn who we work with will know -- whether we tell all our friends? the stranger on the street who says "s/he look just like you!"...maybe to them i'd just nod...i don't know.

there is no stigma attached to this, at least i don't think there is -- but it does require a little explanation and i don't know we will always feel like giving it. moreover at some point it will be up to the, now imagined, teenager if s/he want to tell people.

on the other hand -- there are people we will tell -- we don't want to inadvertently become the poster couple for IVF finally working...they tried 8 times and now look! so for those people we know who find themselves down the IVF road and having it not work we will/would absolutely spill.

genetics does not a family make...and yet without the donated genetics we would not have the possibility of a family.

so yeah, we plan on telling the story right from the beginning -- getting practice saying the words so that later they wont seem so awkward.

do you plan to disclose? have you thought about it?

26 comments:

Drowned Girl said...

Yes, and have just posted about it, oddly.

Someone posted on a forum I'm on "You'd hardly start explaining DE to a 2year old" but I disagree.

Since my son was very small he's known he gre from Mummy's egg and daddy's seed. A DE baby would hear an adjusted version of that... the sooner the better, in my view.

And it wouldn't require great planning. They ask so many questions. All you need to do is to be open and honest. The timing will work itself out.

Lara said...

As one using donor eggs, I've thought about this and haven't decided what to do about it. Of course I don't have this worry yet, but I'm thinking the story about how sad Mommy was because she couldn't have a baby and this other nice lady shared her eggs with Mommy and we got you, and we were so happy! is probably the road we'll go when we get to that point!

Anonymous said...

I don't see any reason to tell people we used donor egg. Its not that I am "hiding" anything - I just don't see why its anyone's business. A child is a child, no matter how he or she came into the world. Also, donor egg IVF is NOT easy. Many donor egg IVFs fail. Some people think this is taking the easy way out - what is so easy about it? Its hard to get a baby, even with donor egg or donor sperm - or both! Its hard to get a baby even with the best doctors and best clinics in the world.

I don't feel any special obligation to "help" other infertiles - they need to get medical information from their doctor, not me! I am not a doctor and I'm not going to tell someone "look if you do donor egg its so much easier" because I don't know if they are a candidate for donor eggs, and also its a lie to tell someone donor egg IVF is 'easy'.

Anonymous said...

Check out "Mommy was Your Tummy Big" it's a great children's book that explains DE IVF on a young level.

Anonymous said...

I am 40 years old and currently pregnant from using a donor. I think we will tell our child at some point in time.

I know some women who are 45 and over, who are pregnant with twins and go around telling everyone "its my own eggs". This is sadly a lie, and a very obvious one at that. These women are doing a lot of harm to themselves and others.

Anonymous said...

I went looking for blogs on this very subject, as I'm having a baby using DE. We're leaning towards not telling until the child is 18. I was conceived through artificial insemination and my parents really messed up the way I found out about that. But I'm here reading about other ways to do this, and your feelings about your childhood were very helpful.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Sorry for my post .Where i can watch more info about?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.