"this is what we want" said dr.xy this morning when we did our scan. the heart was flickering and we could see blood pumping. it certainly feels real now and i was TERRIFIED to do the scan...im still not comfortable. i know anything can happen all to well and that a good scan now does not mean you make it through the first trimester.
that said things are different this time with a healthy egg. we have a second scan next week and then the hand off to the obgyn (i just found out mine quit so we are scrambling to find a new one).
i was reading some other blogs and the question of being comfortable with a DE has come up here and there. i'd like to say for the record that there has been no looking back since we took the decision to go this route. for us it came down to a few things:
1. our probability of becoming pregnant with my eggs was so low it wasn't a probability but random chance
2. even if we got pregnant the likely hood that there would be something wrong was very high despite the PGD (they can't test for everything). the fact that none of the embryos ever took points to the fact that even though the passed they were damaged.
3. my acupuncturist mentioned to me the idea that the soul chooses it's parents so ultimately how it gets to you: adoption, DE, IVF, the "normal" way doesn't really matter...somehow that idea resonates with us.
so there has not been any looking back. and when we saw at the scan today neither of us thought this is a DE we thought: this is our baby -- and we could see that it was my body that is pumping blood into this teeny tiny life. that said we are very aware and grateful to our donor. we are not pretending she does not exist.
for today i am not scared.