Friday, July 27, 2007

Keep moving

everything continues to look good. as we were waiting for the obgyn i started getting really really nervous. when we saw the scan on the screen i burst into tears i was so relieved. and then i couldn't stop crying for about five minutes. and now i'm back in front of the computer trying to do work but obviously not doing it as im writing this.

so there it is. we have a pass go card again. the next test is the non-invasive one to check for abnormalities. the relief i feel what was are using a donor egg and not mine is once again HUGE. of course the fear will come back, and we are not out of the wood yet (are we ever?) but for today it is not here.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

me count?

9 weeks 2 days today…hmm. We have a obgyn visit on Friday and as we get closer I get more nervous. our first pregnancy ended at 9 weeks…I know this is different. I keep wondering if the fear will ever go away. So far it’s more like a rolling sea – comes up in waves. I do have symptoms (tired, sleepy, and my boobs jumped from a large A cup to a C cup -- yes they seem to be meant for some other body.

the thing that is so wonderfully different, that I have to keep telling myself and blogging here, is that this time we used donor eggs. This time the eggs are healthy.

And still...i am so nervous about it that i don't want to plan into the future and i didn't even want to buy an new bra in case things don't work out. that said i had to buy a new bra because i just couldn't squeeze into mine. while im excited at the change i keep thinking what if...and then i put on a baggy shirt and try to pretend nothing is any different. We are also trying to hid any changes from friends and family until we pass the magic 12 week mark. basically i work, fall asleep at my desk, don't go out and look like a slob. but hey...that's ok.

Anyway I’ll check back Friday. For anyone reading please think good thoughts for us.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

s/he looks just like you

certainly not a comment a donor recipient expects to hear, although i have read that it does happen.

my husband and i decided a while ago on full disclosure to our child (if we should be lucky enough to have one). i know this is not the usual way that one has a family, but there are so many different permutations of families these days...we're not quite sure how we will say it -- someone we know who is a mother from donor egg began telling her daughter almost immediately the story of the nice lady who helped create her.

that said I don't know that we plan to tell everyone -- certainly the obgyn who we work with will know -- whether we tell all our friends? the stranger on the street who says "s/he look just like you!"...maybe to them i'd just nod...i don't know.

there is no stigma attached to this, at least i don't think there is -- but it does require a little explanation and i don't know we will always feel like giving it. moreover at some point it will be up to the, now imagined, teenager if s/he want to tell people.

on the other hand -- there are people we will tell -- we don't want to inadvertently become the poster couple for IVF finally working...they tried 8 times and now look! so for those people we know who find themselves down the IVF road and having it not work we will/would absolutely spill.

genetics does not a family make...and yet without the donated genetics we would not have the possibility of a family.

so yeah, we plan on telling the story right from the beginning -- getting practice saying the words so that later they wont seem so awkward.

do you plan to disclose? have you thought about it?

coming up for air

so we did not go back for another scan Tuesday despite the nice offer of dr.xy at the fertility clinic. i decided i didn't want to give into my fears -- this pregnancy is different from the other ones. instead of dreading the worst im going to try and hope for the best.

don't get me wrong i remain TERRIFIED, at least part of me does, but if i don't take a stand within myself to not succumb to every fear now i don't know when i will. so there it is.

we are hoping for the best and are always prepared for something else.

today we are 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. everything, at least on the surface seems fine. we have an appointment with an obgyn july 27th for an exam and another appointment on the same day with another obgyn for a consultation.

continuing to mostly hold my breathe but occasionally breathing.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Knock on wood

second scan was good. we heard a my husband said yesterday "i think im finally giving myself permission to be happy but i want to knock on wood anyway."

all i can say is that as scary as the scan is for us given our previous history with pregnancy scans it would be A THOUSAND TIMES SCARIER if this pregnancy was with my eggs.

the knowledge that the odds are we were given a healthy egg from a proven donor makes an enormous difference. this is something we thought about when we took the decision to go with DE -- that knowing we'd be using healthy eggs meant the fear factor would go down enormously. and it has.

of course, because i always have to say this: anything can happen.

for now all is well.

Monday, July 9, 2007

getting to here from there

i've been reading a bit on other DE blogs about the process of accepting (or not accepting) the path of DE. a little pregnant has a really good discussion going on about this and if you haven't read it you might want too. there are MANY points of view.

for the record i wanted to explain our thinking a little bit more and why we were able to accept DE. of course when Dr.XY first mentioned it when we had failed ivf/pgd #3 we were OUTRAGED....but by #7 things had changed a lot: we'd gone from having odds have success (granted lower than 1%) to having the idea of random luck to get us through a healthy pregnancy. all of a sudden DE seemed like a gift not a curse.

some reasons i was also able to wrap my brain around the idea of DE and accept it into my heart and psyche.

1. my father died when before i was one and i was raised by my adopted father. when i think about who i am today -- mannerisms, values, how i conduct myself in this world and around others, not to mention many of my interests -- lots of these traits come from his example. i am who i am today because of how he and my mom raised me. how i look is the superficial coating. not to mention that i have "inherited" several of his facial expressions.

2. when my husband and i decided to have children it wasn't to have clones of ourselves (though of course that initial fantasy of blending our looks/talents was there), it was to raise people who would make a positive difference in this world.

3. we believe that a soul comes to you no matter how you have your child (adoption, DE, the "normal" way etc.)

4. of course i had my moments thinking wow, this child will never physically look like me but as i said above that is really not the reason we want children. i mourned the genetic loss as we discussed the idea of doing this, but that loss quickly became a gain when we realized how much we've learned through this process.

if anyone would like to share why they chose/welcomed DE as the right decision for them, please do.

Tomorrow is our 7 week scan...the balance of terror and hope continues.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

seeing is believing

"this is what we want" said dr.xy this morning when we did our scan. the heart was flickering and we could see blood pumping. it certainly feels real now and i was TERRIFIED to do the still not comfortable. i know anything can happen all to well and that a good scan now does not mean you make it through the first trimester.

that said things are different this time with a healthy egg. we have a second scan next week and then the hand off to the obgyn (i just found out mine quit so we are scrambling to find a new one).

i was reading some other blogs and the question of being comfortable with a DE has come up here and there. i'd like to say for the record that there has been no looking back since we took the decision to go this route. for us it came down to a few things:

1. our probability of becoming pregnant with my eggs was so low it wasn't a probability but random chance

2. even if we got pregnant the likely hood that there would be something wrong was very high despite the PGD (they can't test for everything). the fact that none of the embryos ever took points to the fact that even though the passed they were damaged.

3. my acupuncturist mentioned to me the idea that the soul chooses it's parents so ultimately how it gets to you: adoption, DE, IVF, the "normal" way doesn't really matter...somehow that idea resonates with us.

so there has not been any looking back. and when we saw at the scan today neither of us thought this is a DE we thought: this is our baby -- and we could see that it was my body that is pumping blood into this teeny tiny life. that said we are very aware and grateful to our donor. we are not pretending she does not exist.

for today i am not scared.