HCG: 66

Magic words, who knew (at our clinic they are looking for a first test number over 50). Actually anyone on this path knows. I know too well now. Ten years since we started trying to grow our family, have a baby. Our fabulous DE daughter will be three in March and now, luck on our side, we will finally add to our family this year. There’s still a long way from the “You are pregnant” to “This is a viable, healthy pregnancy and you’ve finally passed 12 weeks so breathe a little and perhaps tell a few close friends”.

So that’s where we are. Finally. I’ve actually lost count of how many failures we’ve had a this point. Certainly double digits when including all the miscarriages before we even started with IVF. But we are here. We are grateful. I am trying to start breathing now.

This could be it

Well, tommorow is the pregnancy test...no i have not tested beforehand. The way I know if a cycle is successful is that my body starts sweating at night about two days before the test. Last night, no sweat. Of course I also had insomnia because this is all stressful. I'll see about tonight, but I have a feeling...

The embryos, two, that they put back were great quality. There were many to choose from and many were frozen on day five and three on day six. very different from our previous totally sucky cycle.

If you are reading this, breathe for me today, I'm having trouble not holding my breathe.

Imagine our shock

when we sat down with dr. fabulous to go over how many of our 18 fertilized embryos we’d put back/freeze and he told us that in fact we had a grand total of two that had made it past the five day mark and those two we’d put back because neither was yet a blast. so the chances that both would make it/stick were very small.

Aint life amazing. One minute we are hypothetically speaking to our obgyn about if I could even physically carry twins the next we are so grateful that we even have two embryos that we can put back at all.

All I can say is that Summer put is so well (thank you Summer) when she said in her comment to my previous post “even though medicine can try to create more and they can retrieve more than one mature egg per stimulation. The whole point of retrieving multiple mature eggs per stimulation is to try to find that good one.”

And of course there is this to say once again: We have no control over events, science certainly gives us that illusion, but it isn’t totally science. There is something else involved in all of this otherwise 1+1 would always equal 2 but that just isn’t the case in the fertility spinning wheel.

So keep sending your thoughts and comments. I have nine more days to go.

My husband and I are, I think, at peace with the idea that whatever the outcome is; it’s what’s meant to be for us and for our family. That said of course I vacillate between hopeful and totally negative until I’m able to remind myself to remain in the present moment which is a nice one to be in.

Safe…for now

So it’s not ectopic! Bedside manner of doctor was horrible. You’d think that was actually not a good thing the way she said it…you are still in a gray area sac hasn’t developed yet. And I’m like do you expect one now? And she’s like no. God…youd’ think they’d have an ounce of sensitivity. Maybe. At any rate we are still playing the waiting game. On to next week’s scan. I’d like to remain cautiously positive. Will let you know in a week.

Today lottery number इस...

Today my number was 270. Doctors have gone from cautiously optimistic to optimistic. We are still cautious. Always. I am scared to think it might have worked. Again. Scared and grateful.

And no I am not thinking I wish this time it was with my own eggs. Not at all. Why should I. It makes no difference in my love.

I am just hopeful that everything will turn out ok and that we remain grounded enough to integrate a possible new soul into our family in a safe nurturing way.

All’s clear

so lots of good news this week from the medical front.

1. ultra scan (the test for trisome and down syndrome) was fine (lowest possible risk category). they ask you to drink 20oz of water an hour before my appointment. in order to do this i arrived an hour early with a book, drank everything in one gulp, curled up in a chair and didn't move. for the scan you lie down and depending on where the baby is it can take a few minutes or, if you're like me, 45...not comfortable with a full bladder -- but seeing the images is amazing.
because i'd done the blood test a week prior i was able to get the results immediately, which was a relief.

2.had my blood levels checked at the IVF clinic on Tuesday and they are good which means my body is producing enough of everything. bye bye meds. finally. officially discharged. i wrote a note to dr.XY saying how thankful we were for everything.

tomorrow another gyno appointment and then we will slowly start telling a few close friends our news. it's really hard as i mentioned before to pull ourselves out of the "it's a secret" mode. that and to try not be scared that things will go wrong. we're trying.

The needles I have known

Today was the last morning for shots. hard to believe. i have no idea how many hundreds of shots i've had. it has been 23 months. that's right. i did my first ivf/pgd september 2005 and have been at it ever since taking two sometimes three month breaks in between. i also pull of my estrace patch and stop popping the progesterone pill. On tuesday i go in for blood work to make sure levels are all ok. i still doesn't seem real that i wont have a sharps container in a special spot, bottles, band aids, heating pads, ice etc.

anyway, just wanted to share that. it's a really big deal for me (and my husband) that there are no more meds...well we hope not.

It’s a secret…

everything went great yesterday -- after i stopped crying from fear and then relief i saw the heartbeat which was reassuring. our doc. even said you can tell everyone. HA...and there's the catch: we've spent so many years not telling anyone anything and leading these double lives that it feels really odd to think no more second life that now all of a sudden after not sharing our infertility we will share our fertility. my husband and i agreed to wait until next week after the ultrascreen (non invasive procedure to test for trisome 12, 18 and 21) to make sure that everything really is ok...and then there will be the telling (again assuming all is ok) -- but like i said it seems odd and the words almost stick in my throat. and how do we say them, and when -- right now only my mother and our doctors know. so we will wait till next thursday when the test results come back before saying boo to anyone about this.

then there is the other thing of: do we explain the donor egg idea right from the get go? We want full disclosure for our child, does that mean full disclosure to everyone? to close friends and family? i'm not sure what it means. If anyone has thoughts on this please let me know.

Testing, testing 1,2, 3

I went in for the blood test part of the ultra scan this morning. as i filled out the form i was totally surprised at the box which said ivf: age of egg donor. Wow. There must be a critical mass or recipients to get a box on an insurance form. the test is a quick finger prick and then next week is the ultrascreen to check for fetal abnormalities. as i've mentioned more than once: the fact that this is a DE pregnancy makes all these test so much less stressful -- i can actually go by myself as the terror alert is more like a blue than bright brilliant red.

still can't say i can do everything alone. we are also scheduled today for another ultrasound with a new obgyn -- still don't have one yet....for this appointment i need my husband to hold my hand. it's actually at the same office where we went the two time we discovered that we would need d&c's. i had mixed feeling about going back there -- the memories are so sad and horrible. on the other hand, this is a new chapter, i hope.

today is the beginning of week 11.

waiting

i'm still having some problems not letting go of the fear that something will happen -- as i well know something bad can. so while i am really happy that things continue to seem good, i am struggling with letting myself really accept what is going on even as my body tells me all is well. my boobs are so HUGE now they are like aliens on my body. i think i'm growing out of the C cup which is terrifying...i mean it's the end of my 10th week! it also means i might have to get another bra which i don't want to do in case this doesn't work out. maybe i should have called this post conflicted? i've actually rewritten for the second time now.

We have not told anyone our news except my mother -- as far as we're concerned it's not news until we pass that magic trimester mark AND the ultrascreen comes back with an "everything looks normal". Every time i pee (which is often) i look to make sure there is no blood. My pants aren't fitting not because i'm showing but because my butt and thighs have expanded with my appetite. still i don't want to buy anything new because what if this doesn't work.


We have not bought any pregnancy books either because the last time we did that the shipment came like 2 days after the first D&C. it was heart breaking and this horrible reminder of our hopes. so now that we've "arrived" i'm just gonna wait before unpacking.

if this pregnancy continues i guess ill find out if/when these worries dissipate.

we have an obgyn appoitment on monday, that will be 10 weeks if things go as we hope they will.

in the DE blog world I'm hoping that things will continue to go well for drowned girl who just did a FDE transfer and Lara who is getting her second beta today and anyone else who just transferred or is waiting to hear something in the next few days.

Keep moving

everything continues to look good. as we were waiting for the obgyn i started getting really really nervous. when we saw the scan on the screen i burst into tears i was so relieved. and then i couldn't stop crying for about five minutes. and now i'm back in front of the computer trying to do work but obviously not doing it as im writing this.

so there it is. we have a pass go card again. the next test is the non-invasive one to check for abnormalities. the relief i feel what was are using a donor egg and not mine is once again HUGE. of course the fear will come back, and we are not out of the wood yet (are we ever?) but for today it is not here.

me count?

9 weeks 2 days today…hmm. We have a obgyn visit on Friday and as we get closer I get more nervous. our first pregnancy ended at 9 weeks…I know this is different. I keep wondering if the fear will ever go away. So far it’s more like a rolling sea – comes up in waves. I do have symptoms (tired, sleepy, and my boobs jumped from a large A cup to a C cup -- yes they seem to be meant for some other body.

the thing that is so wonderfully different, that I have to keep telling myself and blogging here, is that this time we used donor eggs. This time the eggs are healthy.

And still...i am so nervous about it that i don't want to plan into the future and i didn't even want to buy an new bra in case things don't work out. that said i had to buy a new bra because i just couldn't squeeze into mine. while im excited at the change i keep thinking what if...and then i put on a baggy shirt and try to pretend nothing is any different. We are also trying to hid any changes from friends and family until we pass the magic 12 week mark. basically i work, fall asleep at my desk, don't go out and look like a slob. but hey...that's ok.

Anyway I’ll check back Friday. For anyone reading please think good thoughts for us.

coming up for air

so we did not go back for another scan Tuesday despite the nice offer of dr.xy at the fertility clinic. i decided i didn't want to give into my fears -- this pregnancy is different from the other ones. instead of dreading the worst im going to try and hope for the best.

don't get me wrong i remain TERRIFIED, at least part of me does, but if i don't take a stand within myself to not succumb to every fear now i don't know when i will. so there it is.

we are hoping for the best and are always prepared for something else.

today we are 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant. everything, at least on the surface seems fine. we have an appointment with an obgyn july 27th for an exam and another appointment on the same day with another obgyn for a consultation.

continuing to mostly hold my breathe but occasionally breathing.

Knock on wood

second scan was good. we heard a heartbeat...as my husband said yesterday "i think im finally giving myself permission to be happy but i want to knock on wood anyway."

all i can say is that as scary as the scan is for us given our previous history with pregnancy scans it would be A THOUSAND TIMES SCARIER if this pregnancy was with my eggs.

the knowledge that the odds are we were given a healthy egg from a proven donor makes an enormous difference. this is something we thought about when we took the decision to go with DE -- that knowing we'd be using healthy eggs meant the fear factor would go down enormously. and it has.

of course, because i always have to say this: anything can happen.

for now all is well.

getting to here from there

i've been reading a bit on other DE blogs about the process of accepting (or not accepting) the path of DE. a little pregnant has a really good discussion going on about this and if you haven't read it you might want too. there are MANY points of view.

for the record i wanted to explain our thinking a little bit more and why we were able to accept DE. of course when Dr.XY first mentioned it when we had failed ivf/pgd #3 we were OUTRAGED....but by #7 things had changed a lot: we'd gone from having odds have success (granted lower than 1%) to having the idea of random luck to get us through a healthy pregnancy. all of a sudden DE seemed like a gift not a curse.

some reasons i was also able to wrap my brain around the idea of DE and accept it into my heart and psyche.

1. my father died when before i was one and i was raised by my adopted father. when i think about who i am today -- mannerisms, values, how i conduct myself in this world and around others, not to mention many of my interests -- lots of these traits come from his example. i am who i am today because of how he and my mom raised me. how i look is the superficial coating. not to mention that i have "inherited" several of his facial expressions.

2. when my husband and i decided to have children it wasn't to have clones of ourselves (though of course that initial fantasy of blending our looks/talents was there), it was to raise people who would make a positive difference in this world.

3. we believe that a soul comes to you no matter how you have your child (adoption, DE, the "normal" way etc.)

4. of course i had my moments thinking wow, this child will never physically look like me but as i said above that is really not the reason we want children. i mourned the genetic loss as we discussed the idea of doing this, but that loss quickly became a gain when we realized how much we've learned through this process.

if anyone would like to share why they chose/welcomed DE as the right decision for them, please do.


Tomorrow is our 7 week scan...the balance of terror and hope continues.

seeing is believing

"this is what we want" said dr.xy this morning when we did our scan. the heart was flickering and we could see blood pumping. it certainly feels real now and i was TERRIFIED to do the scan...im still not comfortable. i know anything can happen all to well and that a good scan now does not mean you make it through the first trimester.

that said things are different this time with a healthy egg. we have a second scan next week and then the hand off to the obgyn (i just found out mine quit so we are scrambling to find a new one).

i was reading some other blogs and the question of being comfortable with a DE has come up here and there. i'd like to say for the record that there has been no looking back since we took the decision to go this route. for us it came down to a few things:

1. our probability of becoming pregnant with my eggs was so low it wasn't a probability but random chance

2. even if we got pregnant the likely hood that there would be something wrong was very high despite the PGD (they can't test for everything). the fact that none of the embryos ever took points to the fact that even though the passed they were damaged.

3. my acupuncturist mentioned to me the idea that the soul chooses it's parents so ultimately how it gets to you: adoption, DE, IVF, the "normal" way doesn't really matter...somehow that idea resonates with us.

so there has not been any looking back. and when we saw at the scan today neither of us thought this is a DE we thought: this is our baby -- and we could see that it was my body that is pumping blood into this teeny tiny life. that said we are very aware and grateful to our donor. we are not pretending she does not exist.

for today i am not scared.

hurdles

so just about a full week has gone by since we got over our first hurdle the positive pregnancy test. i struggle a little bit with actually believing it's true even as i find myself getting exhausted every afternoon, and very hungry once in a while. it is not smooth sailing after all the struggle and past pregnancies that didn't work. it's hard for me and my husband to let ourselves by happy or even fully embrace what is happening. don't get me wrong we are happy and grateful but we are also terrified. i keep thinking that as scared as we are we would be a thousand times more scared if we hadn't gone with donor eggs. with my eggs the odds that if id gotten pregnant i'd ever have had a healthy pregnancy were slim at best.

i had my follow up blood test a few days early and things are still looking good although my progesterone is borderline. they'd like the number to be high. what the number is i don't know. i don't ask because with my personality if i knew numbers i'd start fixating and scouring the Internet for information or misinformation etc...so all i know is they'd like it a little higher but are not worried and my beta is good.

so now my regime is

1. 3 estrogen pills a day

2. 1 estrogen patch every other day

3. 2 progesterone pills a day

4. and of course, one big shot every morning.

So it goes. i am doing a follow up blood test on Tuesday to check the progesterone levels and the big heartbeat check comes july 3rd. that is the one that is most terrifying because with my other two pregnancies that is when we were told the pregnancies were no longer viable and it was on to the D&C.

so i keep reminding myself not to jump ahead. to stay with today, and to remember that this time with a healthy donor egg things are very different.

update

it worked! we are pregnant. wow. very exciting and sort of surreal. i'd always wondered what it would be like to get the call that we should continue our shots etc....and now i know. after 7 phone calls saying stop everything and wait for your period we finally heard: keep taking your shots and taking your pills everything looks great right now.

i have no doubt doubts will come because of previous experiences -- but actually things are so different this time around. we started with a healthier egg -- not my eggs which have so many problems. my husband and i talked about how if the IVF/PGD had ever worked we'd have been terrified because we still wouldn't know that something wasn't wrong -- PGD detects only about 12 abnormalities. Right now we know that the egg that was used is totally healthy, without question -- and that the embryo (or embryos) growing inside us have a fantastic chance of being healthy. It is a relief, it is a gift.

sweating

so no sweating last night...phew. this AM we went for my blood test. I did not take a home pregnancy this time. I have always done this in the past on the 9th day because i've sweated at night and wanted confirmation that the cycle had failed before being told. This time is different. this time im thinking it may have worked and the idea of taking at home test and possibly getting a false negative is what has kept me from doing anything other than the blood test route.

ill get a call late this morning. not really going to try and concentrate. figure why pretend that i can? it's actually what i usually do, but i guess it seems like as good a time as any to do something different.

waiting

well week has gone by fast. i have been mostly able to focus so that's good and the visit from my best friend was great. i have begun to dare thinking that this may have worked.

Why?

Well because the past seven times about 5 days before the pregnancy test i start sweating at night in three places:

1. between my breasts -- a sort of sticky sweat.
2. on the back of my head
3. back of my upper thighs.

I think this is my body trying to get rid of the progesterone that it no longer needs. Once i stop the shots then my body really goes to town for like the next two nights. so much sweat that i keep a spare t-shirt next to the bed so i can swap it with the totally soaked one i am wearing. really.

this time no sweats.

so two more days to see if my theory is correct.

i am cautiously hopeful.