Friday, October 29, 2010

The Body doesn’t Lie

Or mine doesn't...Last night I woke up with the sweats and knew it was not a late implentation. After ten cycles I know the signs. I decided not to take anymore meds and spoke to the doc this AM who convinced me to take another blood test. THANK THE UNIVERSE, the Beta went down. It’s over. For now.

Thank you all for your support. Somehow this is harder than normal. And yes, when you have a donor you do think it’s a magic bullet – but there is no magic, just life unfolding. Will spend the weekend trying to heal.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

It’s happening again…

22 HCG ten days past transfer. It’s cruel really. The last pregnancy in February the one that dragged on for six weeks before the D&C started with a 34. It almost seems like a joke to go through this again - to be in the "you're not negative but your positive is really sucky" place. I’m trying to go with it. Hope for the best but really, the whole thing is like, F*#$ this is happening again. Would like for it to be over quickly one way or another. We are going out of town this weekend so I wont even be able to do a blood test until Monday.

So there we are. Once again. Waiting in limbo, not really anywhere. Still so grateful for all that we have balanced by this is just totally crappy news and I feel stuck.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Imagine our shock

when we sat down with dr. fabulous to go over how many of our 18 fertilized embryos we’d put back/freeze and he told us that in fact we had a grand total of two that had made it past the five day mark and those two we’d put back because neither was yet a blast. so the chances that both would make it/stick were very small.

Aint life amazing. One minute we are hypothetically speaking to our obgyn about if I could even physically carry twins the next we are so grateful that we even have two embryos that we can put back at all.

All I can say is that Summer put is so well (thank you Summer) when she said in her comment to my previous post “even though medicine can try to create more and they can retrieve more than one mature egg per stimulation. The whole point of retrieving multiple mature eggs per stimulation is to try to find that good one.”

And of course there is this to say once again: We have no control over events, science certainly gives us that illusion, but it isn’t totally science. There is something else involved in all of this otherwise 1+1 would always equal 2 but that just isn’t the case in the fertility spinning wheel.

So keep sending your thoughts and comments. I have nine more days to go.

My husband and I are, I think, at peace with the idea that whatever the outcome is; it’s what’s meant to be for us and for our family. That said of course I vacillate between hopeful and totally negative until I’m able to remind myself to remain in the present moment which is a nice one to be in.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

What Control?

So all is set for a transfer this coming Tuesday. Our donor had 25 eggs retrieved and we get the fertilization results tomorrow. Great right? Yes and we are now, of course, agonizing about whether to put on or two back. Twins would be a lot. And then we think, but my gosh could we actually be that lucky that two would take on the first go? And of course this is all so hypothetical and all about this illusion of control over details when you have a child this way. Details that we have no control over whatsoever. Tuesday will be transfer. I’m up. Our obgyn said, given my past pregnancy (the one with our first donor cycle) she things, besides some possible discomfort toward the end, I should go for two embryos as we would have more of a chance of a pregnancy that way. Maybe I was looking for a medical reason not to try two, I don’t know. At any rate I think, at the moment, our feeling it to go for it because well, we wont try this again. Its sort of our last shot. I would love to expand our family, am satisfied with what we have, and well, this is sort of it . Also not getting any younger. I turned 42 last month.

So there it is. If anyone still reads this, please send your good thoughts our way.