Thursday, August 23, 2007

s/he looks just like you part two

a little more on disclosure.

Yes we want to tell our child everything…but does that mean we tell everyone everything?

I have to say that I feel funny not saying anything but the MR. doesn’t want to think about this right now. He wants us to just be happy things are working (knock on wood). I don’t think every stranger needs to know our story but I am feeling like some of our close friends, especially two who have had fertility issues of their own, are people it seems odd not to tell the real deal too. I worry that inadvertently we will become the poster couple for IVF…if you just stick to it eventually it will work. But that is not our case. I mean so far it has worked (currently finishing week 13) but with DE.

When I tried to bring up the subject recently to my husband he got very defensive and I shut down. I don’t like fighting. So I stopped pressing it, and decided to wait for another day. no im not dropping the issue. Last night we told two friends who have been through fertility issues our news and they were so happy for us…PGD worked they said, or something like that. GOD I felt like such a liar. This baby, our baby was conceived via DE. There is nothing wrong with this, why should we hide it? And yet, and yet…my husband is hesitant and my parents don’t think we should breathe a word.

I asked about disclosure before regarding telling a child, but what about friends? Or mere acquaintance? Do you draw a line? Do you tell everyone? I personally am for telling though as one wise person posted on this site..”you can’t untell” so I’m not in a rush at the moment but I don’t think it will sit well with me to forever say nothing to anyone.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?


Drowned Girl said...

We'll announce it to family. My friends new during the DE IVF itself.

As our donor was a close friend, it would be unfair on her NOT to tell family. Eventually hopefully she will play a role in the naming ceremony.

I have told all medical personnel.

Workmates... probably not. I think for me, those not in the know about all my losses, who didn't know about the IVF, don't need to know about the DE IVF.

On the other hand, we probably will tell the school. Our oldest DS is almost 5, and he's sure to mention it once we tell him the background.

daisy said...

Since we have two kids by DI we have had many discussions about it. MANY. With two women it is obvious a man had to be involved. But we decided a long time ago that we wouldn't discuss the details of him with people casually because that information should be told to our kids first. Then, if they want to share it they can. It's their story, not ours to share.

We explained this to our parents before the girls were born. We gave them just the physical attributes of the donor. Our worst nightmare would be my MIL saying, you know dear, you get that musical ability from your donor daddy. GAH! NO. No phantom daddy in this house! The same is true about any DE/DI baby we may have. Information about his/her donors, is his/hers, not ours to tell.

The fact of the egg donor is something that belongs to him/her too. It's out of respect for their future feelings that we don't tell people.

When I walk around with my girls and people say, oh they look just like you, and I am biologically related to neither of them, I say, please, I couldn't possibly be that cute or I say thanks, that's the best compliment I've had all week. You find a way to work out having conversations without divulding everything.

People will just have to assume that any baby I had came from my egg and DI, until our son or daughter decides whether it's important enough to share. Just like many adopted kids, people just assume and it's up to that child and their comfort level to make an issue of correcting them.

I have to tell you that we went to a family reunion recently and I saw a cousin of mine that I haven't seen since we were kids. She only knew I was gay and had two kids. She took one look at my youngest and said to my mom, "Don't you think she looks just like me when I was little?" I was within ear shot but not close enough to be in the conversation. My mom shot me a look but said nothing. Then my cousin said, the more I look at her the more she reminds me of me, don't you think so Auntie?" So I heard my mom say..."You must be looking really hard." It totally cracked me up!!!