Friday, November 2, 2007

what if the other shoe never drops?

Next Monday is the 6 month or 24 week check up. It’s hard for me to believe. Still. All the baggage from the years of trying does not simply get put into storage. It’s more like a suitcase that I still carry around with me. I don’t know that it’s necessarily bad. Or that I want to forget. Actually I know I don’t want to forget. What I struggle with is how to feel at peace with where i am now, with full acceptance, with not worrying that something terrible will happen. But I guess terrible things do always happen and maybe all I can hope for is that I have the strength and wisdom to deal with things as they come up. Sometimes it’s hard to just be happy without the worry. My husband was also saying he’s worried because everything is going so well for us now. We’ve been so used to not having things go the way we’d hoped that now that we are we’re worried because everything is too good. Is this normal? I don’t know.

What I do know is im feeling cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy and about having a healthy birth. The little one kicks a lot now. Or I feel the kicks more often, take your pick. That’s the optimist part. The cautious part is my husband and I have not thought about names, we have not gone shopping for things yet and we wont have a baby shower (we’re way too superstitious). But that’s fine.

What else…oh! People have been asking us if the future little one is a boy or a girl. we opted for not knowing. For us after so much medicalization and knowing almost too much we wanted to have this be a surprise.


Anonymous said...

Thats a great analogy that all your baggage is in a suitcase and you carry it around. I think Infertility is not something we will ever forget. Its life changing and its made us who we are. We get so used to failures/disappointments and being pain, its hard to believe when something good happens. I truly believe you have nothing to worry about but can understand your worries (it seems like is very common). SO glad everything is going well.. :)

Drowned Girl said...

24 weeks! Congratulations.

I hope you start to believe it soon! (Though I hear babies can sleep quite happily in a banana box)

Kami said...

My therapist gave me great advice for this type of situation. If you want to be happy more and worry less, try telling yourself that if the worst happens you will deal with it and let go of the fear.

For me, it helps me to make space for feeling joyful or happy and in the moment. And, yes, I think it is normal.

Lisa said...

Wow, you are really getting there! I'm sorry you (we)can't enjoy it quite as much as a fertile in ignorant bliss but you will have the baby's whole life to enjoy!