You need a permission slip for the fieldtrip

I’m finally able to give myself permission to relax about this pregnancy. Yes, at week 36 I can write the following: we have a really good chance at a healthy birth and baby and that makes me very happy. There I did it. It’s scary to see that written, or typed, or posted, but it’s also great. I’ve vacillated between fear and fear since we got a positive pregnancy result from IVF number 8 and donor cycle number 1 so this is kinda momentous for me. Over the weekend my husband’s brother came and took the futon bed out of the room that we have finally started calling the baby room and not the guest room. So it seems it is possible after years of loss and sadness to enjoy pregnancy without forgetting or obliterating what came before. For those wondering if the fear every goes away it doesn’t completely (at least not for me), but it does recede. That said, I’ll still knock on wood any chance I get and the baby clothes we purchased are still wrapped in their packaging because part of me is terrified if I open any of it, something will happen. So yeah, it gets better but it’s not care free.

And on the telling front because yes we are still telling our friends: I think we have finally told all the people close to us. There are a couple I have not said anything too – one I’m waiting to see in person, one, a relative, I’m just not sure about – what I mean by that is I don’t think this person every really hears what I’m saying – or what anyone is saying for that matter. I wish I could count on some sensitivity but then it shouldn’t matter if this falls on deaf ears because ultimately for us what matters is there are no secrets and not what others have to say about it.

You never know who has used donor eggs…

Note: I re-wrote this post from the first posting…feel it now says more of what I wanted to convey…and kami thanks for your support as always…when I put this new post up everything got deleted.

It’s good to tell people.

The pediatrician we interviewed this morning has two children via egg donor. This was wonderful news to us. I think I felt my heart lifting when he said that. It re-enforces my belief that being open and honest about DE is the way to go and just for that serendipity – finding someone who has some direct experience with infertility with the issues around DE or DI etc.

I keep wanting to talk about DE with more people. For me it is very freeing and every time we speak about it I feel it becomes less of a big deal, more of a this is what we did. If that makes any sense.

I had a long talk with a friend recently who was adopted and is now in touch with her bio mom. I’ll post about that later as I think there is some correlation between what she has experienced and some of the things I know I’ve thought about when deciding on a donor and thinking about how we would tell the future little one etc.

I’m out of time today, need to get back to work, but will post more on this later.

A little more on telling…

So my husband and I have now told just about all the people in our lives that are close to us about DE and the struggles we’ve been through regarding infertility. Mostly in superficial detail with more explanation when it’s asked for. A couple of interesting things

1.one friend revealed that she too had two miscarriages
2.only one friend asked us questions about the donor

Regarding #2: I’m not sure why more of our friends haven’t asked more detailed questions but I can say that I was grateful to go into detail with the friend who did ask. It felt amazingly good to talk frankly about coming to terms with DE, choosing the donor, the first waves of genetic loss followed by the embracing of the idea that a baby is much more than genes. the best things my husband and I can pass on to the future little one is o the knowledge we have learned and continue to learn by living our lives.

I’d be curious, if anyone wants to share, how your friends reacted when you told them about doing DE or DI. Did they ask lots of questions? Tell you that they were happy for you and leave it that? Something else?

Oh – glucose test came back negative. No gestational diabetes!

worry warts

turkey day was fine -- my husband and i decided that we would tell people about the donor if it made sense to do so regardless of my parents. it's been interesting for me to see how much i still want their approval even though i'm an adult. needless to say it didn't actually come up...and most people there were not family. the close friends who came already knew so there you are. once again i was worried about something that didn't happen. i read something somewhere once about how the things you worry about are the things that don't happen which is true until it isn't. so i guess it's good to be prepared. and i appreciate the advice that people left for me. it was helpful.

had a glucose test this AM and everything seems normal. i'll know the results in a day or two. i ate the food the chinese doctor suggested instead of the bagel the doctor suggested and feel fine. no sugar crash. and quinoa congee is fairly yummy. the test really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. once again something i was worried about that was basically a nothing.

we are now 27 weeks and the baby is 2 pounds. doctor said this is when you feel the kicks the strongest because the baby is big enough and there is still room for it to move around.

Sweet and Low

On Monday I go in for a glucose test – this is a test for gestational diabetes that, at least from my doc.’s point of view, is mandatory even if you have no symptoms because there is a 5% chance I could be one of those who has it but doesn’t show it. Being a veteran infertile I know all about being on the low side of the odds so I’ll have to suck it up, or drink it down a 20 oz. bright orange sugar liquid. You have to fast for about 8 hours beforehand drink the stuff and then take a blood test an hour later. I don’t eat sugar (except in fruit and sometimes honey) so I imagine I’ll get pretty wound up and then totally crash and feel like crap. On the up side I spoke with my Chinese doctor who told me what to eat right after the test and the homeopathic pediatrician we found suggested some drops to take as specific intervals post sugar high.
Will report back and let you know.

One more thing: my husband finally told his brother about DE – no we hadn’t told him, hadn’t even told him details about our infertility, we’re very good at keeping secret, but as I’ve written here before we don’t want this to be a secret. He’s still got a few more to tell, but that will come. Of course tomorrow being thanksgiving there are more people we could tell BUT because my parents, while understanding that we want to share this information, are reticent to tell anyone they know there is a bit of a conflict in my own mind: do we tell people because want to tell them tomorrow OR, to spare my parents their conflicting emotions etc., do we just not say anything save it for times when we see individuals alone? i think im leaning toward waiting for the parents not to be around. Anyone have any advice/thoughts on this?

have a nice thanksgiving!

And on the spreading the news front:

I’ve now told my two closest friends. they had interesting reactions.
Friend one said: I sensed there was something you weren’t saying but I was scared to ask because I thought it would be something bad because of your previous history. She was so relieved and happy for us. It was nice to hear.
Friend two said: That’s amazing. I didn’t know about that and it gives me hope (she’s single in her late 30’s and wants children) and it seems like a nice option besides adoption.

We decided to tell people now because I just had my 20 week scan and everything is GREAT!!!! I really felt like I was being dishonest before. After all, as I’ve said before we are proud of our SUPER HIGH TECH WUNDER CHILD and grateful that we had this option. The main reason we weren’t saying anything or the two main ones were:
1. fear that the pregnancy would not be viable
2. we’d gotten used to not talking about anything related to fertility – it’s just been so painful.

So now we’re just spreading the news of how we conceived. It feels, for me, like a BIG HUGE BURDEN has been lifted. What a relief.

Oh and the best for the last: I started feeling the little one kick and move last week. I was lying in bed reading and felt these two little movements. I almost cried. I never thought I’d feel that, or get to this point. They are very soft pushes on the inside of my lower belly. Like if someone was to gently poke you in the abdomen with their finger. Now I’m feeling them everyday. Maybe now, at 21 weeks i'm finally starting to relax, just a tiny bit and accept that things just may continue to be ok and normal as far as pregnancy goes. It's a strange feeling, not used to it at all.

Books

Wow…time moves fast. I didn’t realize how long it had been since my last post. Got buried under a work tsunami.

So, as promised, here are some books that my husband and I read as we thought about telling or not telling:

1. Telling and Talking about Donor Conception with 0-7 year olds. A guide for parents. This is put out by the donor conception network a non profit group based in England. It’s very slim with useful information AND quotes from parents discussing telling, not telling and other related experiences like enrolling children in school. It’s very straightforward. We liked that there were so many examples from actual parents for very common situations.
2. Flight of the Stork What Children thnk (and When) about Sex and Family Building by Anne C. Bernstein. This is not about if or when you should tell but, as the title says how to speak to a child in an age appropriate way. Since we don’t have much experience speaking to kids this was interesting.
3. Having your Baby Through Egg Donation By Ellen Sarasohn Glazer. This one is mostly for those thinking about egg donation although there are a few pages about Parenthood and suggestions on whom you might want to tell. I’d say not necessary if you’ve already taken the decision to go the donor route.
4. Experiences of Donor Conception. Parents, Offspring and Donors through the Years. Caroline Lorbach. Another book we really liked and found useful probably for the same reasons we liked the Telling and Talking book – although this has many more pages – we like the quotes and interviews from people who have gone through the experiences. There is also a section of essays by donor conceived adults none of whom knew from birth about their special conception. It’s interesting though, what I found really helpful, again, is what the parents of donor children had to say about their own choices and experiences.


If there’s a book or site about donor conception that you like please let me know.

It starts with a whisper

So my husband told a friend of his (also going through infertility with his wife) that our pregnancy is through the amazing technological wonders of donor egg. And wouldn’t you know, he was like “that’s great”. And so it begins, the telling of a few close friends…what a relief to have it out there. For us this feels right. And of course they may tell people too…but that’s ok. By the time the baby is born (knock on wood because I still get waves of fear), none of this will be an issue.

M , who is trying to choose a donor has an interesting discussion on her blog about genetics: do they matter? check it out.
I left a long post there which i wont repeat here but i will say this:
My husband and I want to have a child/children to raise people who will make a positive difference in this world. In the nature vs. nurture debate I think that may fall with nurture. So yeah, genetics matter on some levels but perhaps not with this.

On the donor egg book front – I’ve been reading a few and the next post will cover which ever one or ones I think might be work someone else taking a look at. One of them seems particularly helpful but I want to wait till I finish it to post more.

Monday will be week 17 for us. Last week we heard the choo choo train sound of the little ones hearbeat.

The Cat’s Out Of the Bag

So we had a great family therapy session with my family regarding “telling”. As I mentioned before it was my immediate family’s first response of “why tell anyone including the child?” that prompted us to go in the first place. And I’m so glad we did. It really cleared the air. Sometimes you really do need a third person involved so that what is being said really gets heard. I must say my parents made a HUGE leap by the end of the hour in their understanding of why it is not only important for the child to know it’s AMAZING FANTASTIC HI TECH DESIGNER BABY origins, but for the people closest to us to know too. Can you imagine the scenario of the future little one saying to Uncle xy “did you know three people made me, I’ve got a special piece?” And Uncle XY not ever hearing the word donor before saying something like “what, no! you’ve got it all wrong” or something like that….anyway you get the idea.

As for the mister and his hesitation at telling others – once he understood how uncomfortable I was feeling when people close to me were asking certain questions that I felt I was responding to in a lie (maybe it would have helped if i'd told him about these things), and once we both realized that you don’t even want to have a whiff of shame associated with what we are doing, it became clear that telling a circle of other people was/is as important as telling the future little one.

And what about the world knowing? Well if the world ends up knowing that is fine too. But it’s not our mission to tell every stranger on the street, or person we are not in close contact with. Rather it is our mission to have this be open information that is familiar and comfortable and essentially just a part of our story so that when the future little one does encounter someone who says something negative the little one has the confidence and knowledge to either respond or not care.

We are proud of the technology that has enabled us to become pregnant. All the things we went through to get here as individuals and as a couple have made us stronger and made our capacity for love even greater.

Is your family supportive of the decisions you make/have made regarding donors and telling?