Blah’s have set in. Back went out. Almost got sick. Body is tired. It is different getting over this loss with a child already here. We know how lucky we are to have her, and she doesn’t let me sit and stew. All good.
Still it’s hard. And now that the relief of having the D& C is behind me I can feel sad. DH and I went to hear some classical music and I immediately started crying. A good thing. Went to a toddler CPR class and heard this girl say everyone here has just had a second baby, or is expecting one except for her (pointing at me). Crap thing. Seeing my “friend” and not talking to her about any of this….the one who said she wished she might have a miscarriage. Yeah, that friend. I did not officially tell her what happened, have not really seen her alone, but have not felt like it. And I don’t really want to hear about her pregnancy. Awkward thing. She lives two blocks away and her daughter and ours like to play together – they are two weeks apart. Guess I’ll stuff my feelings around her and go pay my therapist more money to get through it all.
Anyway, life does forge ahead, and this one is.
Showing posts with label D and C. Show all posts
Showing posts with label D and C. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
It’s over.
It’s over. For now.
D&C this morning. When our doctor came to do the ultrasound he said something once again that was totally icky. This time I was ready. And guess what? He heard me. He totally apologized. And apologized again. And again. And it really made a difference because instead of feeling vaguely icky I just was able to feel sad. I urge you, if you are ever in a similar situation to speak up. I didn’t yell, I know I had tears in my eyes because well, because. And it was fine. And it was a relief. And I don’t care if he remembers about last week, I am hopeful that he will drop in when he speak to the next patient in a similar situation. And I know he can. And when he says he understand how painful this is, he does. He and his wife used a donor and a surrogate and we all know you don’t just start there.
It feels like a relief to have all the waiting over, finally. Even though the waiting means the end of this pregnancy. This is my fourth miscarriage. I hope it is the last. DH and I have to talk about what we want to do. We may be done, and we may try again. I’m just in this moment getting through. Taking the time to sit and breathe and feel instead of covering up with busy work.
Thank you as always for your support.
Sucky friend update: she emailed an apology. A nice one (in a way better than a phone call since I didn’t have to respond etc.). But I’m not sure if the damage has been done. In other words I will still be friends with her, how deep that friendship goes remains to be seen.
D&C this morning. When our doctor came to do the ultrasound he said something once again that was totally icky. This time I was ready. And guess what? He heard me. He totally apologized. And apologized again. And again. And it really made a difference because instead of feeling vaguely icky I just was able to feel sad. I urge you, if you are ever in a similar situation to speak up. I didn’t yell, I know I had tears in my eyes because well, because. And it was fine. And it was a relief. And I don’t care if he remembers about last week, I am hopeful that he will drop in when he speak to the next patient in a similar situation. And I know he can. And when he says he understand how painful this is, he does. He and his wife used a donor and a surrogate and we all know you don’t just start there.
It feels like a relief to have all the waiting over, finally. Even though the waiting means the end of this pregnancy. This is my fourth miscarriage. I hope it is the last. DH and I have to talk about what we want to do. We may be done, and we may try again. I’m just in this moment getting through. Taking the time to sit and breathe and feel instead of covering up with busy work.
Thank you as always for your support.
Sucky friend update: she emailed an apology. A nice one (in a way better than a phone call since I didn’t have to respond etc.). But I’m not sure if the damage has been done. In other words I will still be friends with her, how deep that friendship goes remains to be seen.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
How Sucky Can it Get?
“It looks like you’re headed for a D&C” but, of course we need to wait an see because there is a chance (and the doc has seen it happen0that everything could be hunky dory). And the five days behind in development are still about a late implantation. And so begins the fourth week of wait and see. Very hard psychologically and physically. We have shared with no one although this morning I finally told my mother. Her response “ can you get the same donor again?”. Not exactly the warm nurturing comment I was hoping for. And no I don’t know what I was hoping but I do know it wasn’t that.
At any rate, still waiting, still doing shots and popping pills and stuffing my face because I’m starving all the time and in the back of my head is that small image today that didn’t have a fetal heartbeat when it should but we can’t give up yet because we never know. So I guess in the moment I’m still pregnant and next Tuesday’s scan – scheduled for 9:00 AM so that if I need a D&C I can get whisked off to another floor for a 9:30 procedure – will tell all.
At any rate, still waiting, still doing shots and popping pills and stuffing my face because I’m starving all the time and in the back of my head is that small image today that didn’t have a fetal heartbeat when it should but we can’t give up yet because we never know. So I guess in the moment I’m still pregnant and next Tuesday’s scan – scheduled for 9:00 AM so that if I need a D&C I can get whisked off to another floor for a 9:30 procedure – will tell all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)