ticktock

well between today and yesterday 7 embryos grew. 7 chances for us to possibly have a healthy pregnancy and baby. the doc. said we will wait 5 days for a transfer. this is all new to us as our previous 7 attempts -- hmm the number 7 again -- were all with PGD when the fourth morning is spent staring at the phone waiting to find out if any embryos are healthy and can be put back. In our case it was always one in ten would be good to put back. amazing isn't it. Once we had 21 embryos and after PGD only three were deemed ok. what happened to my eggs? maybe the radiation treatments? maybe they were never that great...it isn't age yet -- or so they tell me. and i guess, in the end it actually doesn't matter. this is the way it is. we are happy to have this other chance.

surprise

today i discoverd through broken eggs that there are more than a handfull of other women discussing their experiences, or their thoughts about going through this process. she has, in fact, a long list of blogs on her site.

Mr.B and i were talking last night and both of us are really relieved that we've embraced donor egg. imagaine we now have over a 40% chance of getting pregnant instead of a less than 5% chance. maybe less than a 2% chance...and even then we would not be certain that the egg was healthy despite the PGD.

doing 110%

yesterday i spoke to my shrink -- told her the news of our decision...i am amazed at the adaptability of the human brain to rationalize situations, to turn potential negative into positive. but then what else can we do? i mean should we sit around and say how horrible WHY ME?...and that's the epiphany i had one day on my way to the subway two weeks after my second miscarriage...WHY NOT ME? i mean it's not like i want anyone else to have to go through this...and then i realized at the same moment that i am not alone...that there are plenty of people out there going through whatever it is they are going through...and that somehow going through this pain makes me better able to empathize with the pain of others. and i guess that's why i can sit here today at 8:57 AM in front of my computer listening to regina spektor and say it's all going to be okay. a donor egg is of course not what we expected...i mean we didn't even know something like this existed way back when...and last year when Dr. XY suggested it after our 3rd IVF attempt i got so angry...what the hell was he saying...we can do this. MR.B and I agreed we would persevere. that low odds were our friends...that persistence pays off...and so we tried, 4, 5, 6, 7 and now we are here at the threshold of this new attempt, trying something different with a donor egg and hoping that this will be what works for us...cause really when you think about it, when i think about it we've actually had embryos 9 times (2 were previous miscarriages) 7 IVF attempts over 100 fertilized eggs only 10 good enough to put back...we have tried everything not to mention all the body work i do lets see

1. cranio sacral
2. maya massage
3. acupunture
4. very healthy diet in conjunction with chinese doctor
5. every test known to man and women by western docs
6. get my 8 hours
7. rarely drink
8. yoga six days a week
9. gym 4 days a week
10. meditation every day

i think i can truly say i am doing everything i can do. and i know we are going to a great doctor who has also tried everything, and we've spoken to other docs. to get their opinions and it all came to this: donor egg. and even then, even then we must keep in our minds that it is possible this will not work either. okay. enough for today.

ready to launch