Imagine our shock

when we sat down with dr. fabulous to go over how many of our 18 fertilized embryos we’d put back/freeze and he told us that in fact we had a grand total of two that had made it past the five day mark and those two we’d put back because neither was yet a blast. so the chances that both would make it/stick were very small.

Aint life amazing. One minute we are hypothetically speaking to our obgyn about if I could even physically carry twins the next we are so grateful that we even have two embryos that we can put back at all.

All I can say is that Summer put is so well (thank you Summer) when she said in her comment to my previous post “even though medicine can try to create more and they can retrieve more than one mature egg per stimulation. The whole point of retrieving multiple mature eggs per stimulation is to try to find that good one.”

And of course there is this to say once again: We have no control over events, science certainly gives us that illusion, but it isn’t totally science. There is something else involved in all of this otherwise 1+1 would always equal 2 but that just isn’t the case in the fertility spinning wheel.

So keep sending your thoughts and comments. I have nine more days to go.

My husband and I are, I think, at peace with the idea that whatever the outcome is; it’s what’s meant to be for us and for our family. That said of course I vacillate between hopeful and totally negative until I’m able to remind myself to remain in the present moment which is a nice one to be in.

Seesaw

Well today my number is somewhere in mid 500s which is normal for the number I had earlier but is low for this point in time. So they are all like we’re not worried BUT should come in for ultrasound next Tuesday (instead of waiting another week for my doctor to get back from a trip) just to rule out an Ectopic Pregnancy. Ugh. The nurse was like, “I’m not worried at all your numbers are right on target from the 34 baseline”. And yadda yadda yadda – ugh. And I’m like ummm you know you are talking to someone who seen so many permutations of what can go wrong this is not soothing.

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for us.

waiting

i'm still having some problems not letting go of the fear that something will happen -- as i well know something bad can. so while i am really happy that things continue to seem good, i am struggling with letting myself really accept what is going on even as my body tells me all is well. my boobs are so HUGE now they are like aliens on my body. i think i'm growing out of the C cup which is terrifying...i mean it's the end of my 10th week! it also means i might have to get another bra which i don't want to do in case this doesn't work out. maybe i should have called this post conflicted? i've actually rewritten for the second time now.

We have not told anyone our news except my mother -- as far as we're concerned it's not news until we pass that magic trimester mark AND the ultrascreen comes back with an "everything looks normal". Every time i pee (which is often) i look to make sure there is no blood. My pants aren't fitting not because i'm showing but because my butt and thighs have expanded with my appetite. still i don't want to buy anything new because what if this doesn't work.


We have not bought any pregnancy books either because the last time we did that the shipment came like 2 days after the first D&C. it was heart breaking and this horrible reminder of our hopes. so now that we've "arrived" i'm just gonna wait before unpacking.

if this pregnancy continues i guess ill find out if/when these worries dissipate.

we have an obgyn appoitment on monday, that will be 10 weeks if things go as we hope they will.

in the DE blog world I'm hoping that things will continue to go well for drowned girl who just did a FDE transfer and Lara who is getting her second beta today and anyone else who just transferred or is waiting to hear something in the next few days.